-Mayden's Voyage

Reflections on my Mom...

2011-12-21T00:33:00.001-05:00

I am good- and almost completely better :) Thank you for checking in on me ♥ However,

My mom has been ill, and is now in the hospital. For the last 3 years, in addition to caring for our families, my sisters and I have been taking care of the lady who brought us into the world...
She is not well.

Last week as I stood at her kitchen sink and washed her dishes I discovered 2 knives she had bought many years ago in her marriage to my dad. The knife distributor was a door to door salesman who had "everlasting" blades in his bag, and he was selling top quality cutlery which "would last her a lifetime". It donned on me, as I stood there, in mom's government subsidized apartment, these knives were all she had to show for her 38 year marriage. My sister reminded me that "I" was also something to show for all those years. Sigh. I felt tears in my eyes. Somehow, the 6 of us didn't, or couldn't, quite validate the importance of the woman who was sick and dying before our very eyes.

She is better, but things are changing. Unlike my beloved Foamy, I can't move mom in with us and give her all the physical and medical attention she deserves. Her needs are great and beyond my skill. She understands and accepts this fact.

As I move through this period of grief, and it is grief- even though she is still here, I lose a small part of her every day...I want to write about the things she has said and done which imparted wisdom, laughter, and joy to me from my early years until the present. Even yesterday she made me laugh!

She is allergic to percocet, and she said, "It makes me itch like a monkey with a flea!"
LMAO!
I know you do not KNOW my mom, but that is one of the funniest things she's ever said to me! And I have seen her itch on percocet...so maybe that's part of why the phrase is so funny :)

When my Grandmother (mom's mom) saw me for the first time as a baby, Grandma said she saw a halo around MY head. She told my mom I was special. Before last night I had NEVER heard that story. I'm not sure my Grandmother or my mom were/are right- because I have certainly made a TON of mistakes and bad choices...but my mom swears the story is true. I am NOT an angel. I am ONLY holy if Jesus has made me so, and I feel very far from all those things these days.

Eternal life has less value to me than this present life, and forgive me if I sound like a doubter...because I am not. I do believe in God, and I think He has a special place for souls like that of my mother. I feel certain life exists beyond this dim plane- and people I have loved deeply have made it clear to me their love still exists for me- and is extended to me, despite being in a form I can no longer hug or touch. LOVE is an ENERGY. Period. Figure out what ENERGY is and can do and you will understand what I mean.

My mom used to sing nursery rhymes to us as a kid...one was "Sam, Sam, the garbage man- washed his face with a frying pan, brushed his teeth with a monkeys tail, and died with a toothache---in his..heel"

she always paused before saying the word "heel"- knowing full well we'd think that didn't quite rhyme...

???"Died with a toothache- and went to hell...."???

Our Dentists ALWAYS said we had the BEST TEETH!

I so love my mom.

More soon :)

2011-11-27T17:36:00.001-05:00

The surgery went smoothly, and it seems I can type fairly well and with almost no pain now that the bandages are off. The recovery though, as I feared, has been a bitch.
I am simply a miserable person when I'm "limited". "Limited" by pain, or a handicap, or being lost in an unfamiliar city- I'm miserable.
Add to the misery of hoping the regular things will be taken care of, like the shopping, and cooking, only to find my "helpers" sitting on the sidelines and waiting for instructions...as they always do.

I wonder if I died how long it would take before someone realized they'd need to write a grocery list and go to kroger? I suppose if I actually died family and friends would jump in and handle a multitude of motherly tasks for a period of time, at least until the life insurance kicked in- then they'd order take out until they ran out of money? I want to get better soon, but I don't want to return to the castle and be the ruling queen just yet. Unfortunately it is my castle (or hive?) and no one else knows how to run it smoothly. For now I'm trying to find contentment in the fact I can wash my own hair (with a water proof glove) and dry it with only a little help.

More soon...and hopefully I'll be back to normal...or whatever I was :)

Left Handed Fun and Fumbles...

2011-11-15T23:05:00.001-05:00

With the knowledge my right hand will be of little use to me after the carpel tunnel surgery next week- I've been trying to see what I can and can NOT do with my left hand...I mean, there are people who have lost limbs via accidents and injuries who play basket ball, and play drums, and cook, and make beautiful paintings holding a paint brush in their teeth for heaven sake! Surely this minor surgery will not be a big deal for me?

The results are comical and somewhat humiliating. I can brush my hair, and my teeth, and put on most items of clothing. However, a bra is going to be tricky. For fun I tried on a sports bra one handed and it worked out ok- but it's amazing how much twisting and jiggling, and adjusting is necessary to make it fit properly with TWO working hands- much less one. I'm sure I would have won a "funniest video" award if it had been on tape...thank GOD it IS NOT on tape!
Buttoning blue jeans is right out. Blow drying my hair is almost impossible. Putting on mascara with my left hand is tedious. Making tea (thankfully) is no problem. Opening items with a twist off top requires me to sit down and use my legs as vice to hold whatever needs to be opened. Texting left handed is a hoot! (if you have free texting, text me- I'll gladly email you my number). I'm a rabid texter with both hands and I can write paragraphs easily in a matter of seconds, but left handed my answers look like a 2nd grader got my phone and started drinking.
Text from daughter: Mom, what are we having for dinner?
My answer, left handed: Wwe 3e having trky w greebeans. Ughhhhhb

Something about the "alt" key makes the letters A and R the number 3. Don't try to understand it, but trust me, it's a disaster when I text left handed. A touch screen phone would be a big help- but I'm not sure that's in the budget right now.

Of course I won't be driving for several days after surgery- so I won't be a menace on the road. Showering is ok, but washing my hair will take extra time. I'm thinking I just need to go to the beauty college for a cheap wash, dry, and style. Maybe they will do something jazzy with my barbie hair? I'm sure by Friday after surgery I'll be happy with anything they want to do. (the friend who does my hair lives about 20 minutes away, and I'm not going to be up for the drive- but the beauty college is 2 miles from my house).
I am, thankfully, proficient at all other bathroom requirements. 'Nough said about that!

I tried writing the alphabet with my left hand...then a complete paragraph. It's mind blowing how perfectly well I know how to write letters and form words, and how idiotic and elementary my handwriting looked when I was finished. I would have guessed it was written by a 7 yr old if I hadn't written it myself. AND to make matters worse- I couldn't focus on the content of what I was trying to write because I was focusing so hard on HOW I was forming each letter and word. It was maddening. I will not be signing any checks, or sending cards with handwritten notes for a while after surgery. (unless I can sign the card as if it was from my 6 yr old nephew Asher :)

Cooking is a slow and arduous affair with one hand. Cleaning is too. Playing Angry birds kind of stinks left handed! (Poor me- not!). Using the remote for the TV is a skill I have mastered, as well as opening Dove chocolates, sipping hot tea, reading my Kindle (and other books), and feeding my bunny. It looks like I have all the important stuff figured out :)

For fun, try not to use your dominate hand for just 15 minutes during your day. I was going to say try not to use it all day, but that seems unfair. Just 15 minutes. (Hint, open the wine bottle before you start the 15 minute exercise- you will be glad you did- lol!)

I can not complain. This will be a temporary set back and will make my life better when it's over. I'm sure the real adventure will be even more interesting (like putting in and taking out my contact lenses- I haven't tried that one yet), but I probably won't blog about it much---I hate having to hunt and peck! But who knows- I might! :)

cora.blue@hotmail.com

Up To Date at Mayden's Voyage

2011-11-08T21:53:00.000-05:00

(Mug says, "I love you this BIG". It's at least 4 cups!)

The Carpel Tunnel: My surgery is on November 22nd. Life with one arm (for a few weeks) will be interesting, but I always like a challenge. I will absolutely enjoy and take advantage of the "down time"...even though I can only sit still for so long :) I will NOT have to cook or participate in any of the Thanksgiving madness that typically swirls around me during this time of the year. This holiday will ACTUALLY be a holiday for me...a break, a time out. However, not being able to write will be hardship for me. I enjoy the process. I imagine I will give my left hand a shot at putting words to page, and I wouldn't be surprised if I mastered it.

The Job: About 2 years ago, via my best friend, I met a friend of hers who owned a vehicle graphics company. When he asked me, "What do you do?" and I said, "I'm a writer"- he was curious. I sent him to Mayden's Voyage as well as my Coraspondence blog, and told him of my work as the Public Relations rep for a child who needed a transplant- and I handled all press and media material for her campaign- as well as articles I've written, newsletters I've published (big and small), curriculum material for pre-school, and even an obituary. Over time he went and read my stuff. He liked it.

This Spring he approached me about writing web and blog content for his company web site. I was nervous to accept at first, mostly because I knew NOTHING about vehicle wraps, but I was curious- and I was a good enough friend to be comfortable going with him to visit job sites and LEARN about what his company does. Thus my "getting paid to write" era began- and as of yesterday I have written 28 blog posts about Capital Wraps ( www.capitalwraps.com) look for the blog. I'm also working on a blog for my brothers law firm in California, but would like to add other companies to my writing list and perhaps turn this into a career. Several years ago Blogs were seen as (and can be) places where people vent or keep an online journal. However, for a company, a blog on a business website is the VOICE of your company. It's cheap and informative advertising. The company already owns the website, why not give customers a place to read and get a feel for what the company does?

While I am definitely not able to pay the mortgage with my part time writing jobs and my bee keeping skills, I am earning a little to put aside for me. Not to mention the validation I get from doing something I love- and someone in the world actually paying me to do it. (and it being legal- lol!)

I've been kept from my personal blogs for a number of reasons. I've discovered being away from this community is a detriment to myself, and I love it when I'm here. This place is home. The friends I've made here have a significance and value that can not be replaced. Upon re-discovering a printed email (written in 2006) from a blog friend last week, and him being in so many of my thoughts- I realized I was missing out on something important. I want to return to this community with the same passion I had early on. I'm tired of facebook, tired of reading the endless dribble from people who have "friended" me because we went to the same high school. I should delete my facebook page and start one called "Mayden America" and just use it as a marketing tool for my honey and home-made items. I like the way FB keeps me in contact with distant family, but there is something kind of creepy about the social networking sites in general. FaceBook is the fast/frozen food version of a BLOG. Give me the real deal...the grilled steak and baked potato, or the stuffed turkey and all the veggies...keep the hamburger and fries. Yes, I see where and how there is a place for both, but just as with eating out, it should be the exception and not the rule. Same with blogging. If you have something worth saying- sit down and pound it out. Otherwise, I'm not really interested in anyone's laundry and To-Do lists. My time is a little more valuable than all that.

Hugs and more soon. I'm itching to write about our local prison and judicial system, which I've seen a bit of here lately due to the arrest of a childhood friend. Prior to 2 weeks ago I had never been inside the front doors of our local correction center. It's been an eye opener to say the least!
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Bunnies and things...

2011-10-19T10:38:00.001-05:00

A little over a year ago my daughter started asking for a pet bunny. She found a farmer in a nearby county who sold rabbits...and she and her father went over to pick one out. They came home with 2. They were the sweetest, tiny, most precious Holland Lop bunnies I have ever seen. Fortunately they were both girls- which has it's own set of problems, but at least there won't be tons of baby bunnies running around at my house. (although, as sweet as this one is- I don't think I'd mind).

My bunny is named "Kitty"- mostly because she liked to snuggle like a kitten when she was a baby. My daughters bunny was a rambunctious little creature and was always looking for an escape route- which she finally found. Kitty remains with us and is undoubtedly my bunny. She still likes to be held and petted and I spend about 30 minutes a day with her on the deck. She is litter trained and definitely enjoys the freedom
of the closed in deck.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with Carpel Tunnel in my right arm/wrist- and need to wear a brace for most of the day. Unfortunately I probably waited to late to see the Dr. because the nerve damage has begun to weaken the muscles in my hand. On a positive note the surgery is not terribly complicated and will undo most of the damage. While the condition is painful at times it's mostly irritating, and the way the brace limits my daily function is aggravating. I feel fortunate to have a good Dr. close by who is taking care of me. By this time next week I will have had a nerve study and that will determine what we do next.

I need to tell you all about my newest job- and actually getting paid to WRITE :) More soon, but I hope this post finds you all well. I send my best to each of you ♥

The vibrancy of Autumn

2011-10-02T01:27:00.000-05:00

It's always hard to write a post like this one...hard because I mostly want to inspire and share light. Yet, even the darkest moments of life have their purpose, and death is indeed part of life.

Grady, Paw-paw, passed away just over a month ago on Aug 24th. His health took a heartbreaking turn for the worse a few days after he returned from the nursing home- and in less than 3 days he died. The kids and I drove to the coast in a hurry on Tuesday the 23rd and stood around Paw-paws bed to say goodbye. We cried, we told him we loved him, we re-told funny stories about times he made us laugh or feel special- kind of like a toast...and even though he was unable to speak to us, I am certain he heard every word.
I am also certain he knew how very much he was loved by all of us.

The following day, when he passed, his entire family was standing around his bed. His son and daughter were holding his hands, the kids their dad and I were at the foot of his bed, Granny was at the head of the bed. We were all there, surrounding him, and at the same time letting him go. He took his last breath within a circle of ones who loved him, and entered a new realm of beauty and peace. There was no pain in his expression, no fear, no worry...just a peaceful and rested appearance.

The memorial service would be held that Friday. There were reasons for the hurry, as a hurricane was bearing down on us. We were 15 minutes south of Morehead City and Ireene was due to make landfall in Morehead the following morning. When we came home from the service on Friday we literally boarded up the last set of windows on the front of the house, filled up as many water pitchers as we could find, and hunkered down.

It was a wild and stormy night. Having never endured a Cat 2 hurricane before I was both excited and nervous. Had the circumstances been different I would have been a little more jovial, but as it was, there was a pall over the house- a heavy sadness, a grief which hung about each of us like a heavy cloak. At times it was easy to even forget the storm was brewing outside because something bigger was going on inside. However, when the 90 mph winds whipped around the house, and threw debris, and drove the rain sideways...and then the power went out...Ireene had our full attention. In a way, when the electricity was cut, it was kind of a relief. We had to look up from our individual sadness and focus on something else. Unfortunately we were shaking off the stupor of heartache only to deal with the terror of a large and powerful hurricane.

As it goes we were, thankfully, unscathed by the storm. We may have lost a shingle? All in all we were blessed and protected. Most of the food in the fridge had to go, but the stuff in the freezer was still frozen after 24 hours.

The next 4 weeks are mostly a blur. Mr. Mayden and I took turns being with his mom at the coast, but we were both finally home by the 3rd week of September. The one month mark of Grady's passing was last weekend. This weekend was my son's 18th birthday party. I'm still in something of a blur.

I look forward to brighter days. The oppressive heat of the summer was broken this weekend. I'm ready to feel the vibrancy of Autumn, both with my eyes, and with my heart.

A Sweeter Moment~

2011-07-21T23:59:00.006-05:00

(Pawpaw is in a rehab place near his home and seems to be on the mend ♥. This blog post has been in the works since late June, but obviously I had other pressing things to attend to. I hope you enjoy the following...I know I did!)

In late June it was time to begin the honey harvest. My Bee Man, now 82, called me on a Sunday afternoon to say he would be taking hives apart on Wednesday or Thursday and inquired as to what day worked best for me. Thursday suited me best and when the said day rolled around I packed my things, drove to his house in Oxford, and prepared to make over a half million bees very unhappy. We had over 26 hives to take apart and no idea how many gallons of honey to process.

As with most summer days in the south, it was hot. However, heat is an important element in harvesting honey, and while I wore light cotton clothing there was no getting around the fact that we would be hot and sweaty and tired by days end. Bee keeping is not for the faint of heart, nor is it for those who need to be constantly comfortable.

We started off at a farm down the road from my Bee Man's home. I was happy to see the complete process again for the 3rd year in a row. This year, however, I saw for the first time what a "failed" hive looks like. Mostly barren, with cobwebs and webworms in the frames, as well as indications that a mouse had moved in. There were no bees in this hive. It was like a haunted house- spooky, dirty, cobwebby, and deserted. Creatures that aren't meant to exist in a bee hive had moved in and taken up residence, only to destroy a once beautiful and functioning home of a queen.

It's not unusual for a hive to perish, just as death is a normal end in all life cycles, yet I felt a profound moment of sadness. My Uncle assured me he would clean up the hive and destroy the webworms (2 days in a deep freezer kills all pests in a hive)- and he'd have the hive ready for another colony. The hive ghosts would be vanquished and that made me feel better. The point of bee keeping is not entirely about the honey, although it's wonderful and worth every penny, the real purpose is managing a natural resource which is vital to our crops and has been failing for the last several years. It's a hobby which benefits everyone in the community. I can't say the same about my knitting projects!

The sweetest moment of the day soon followed. After smoking each hive and using a product called "bee go" to clear out the bees, we took the hives apart and separated the supers from each other (the bees return in less than 30 minutes so we have to work quickly). We carefully looked at each frame inside to see if the honey was capped. Sometimes the bees build up honey comb in between the top and bottom of the super, so when you pry one away from the other some of the comb breaks in half and a beautiful little puddle of honey will appear. It is simply not possible to refrain from taking your hive tool (looks a lot like a paint scraper) and scrape up the honey puddle and freshly broken honey comb and pop it into your mouth. It is heavenly. Words can't describe how sweet and precious that first taste of the season is. As I stood there, sticky, covered in sweat, hot beyond words, and with hours to go before we would be finished- all I could think was every single second I invest in this hobby- every sting- every dollar I spent, was absolutely worth the first taste of the honey of the season. I can only imagine what manna tasted like, but I would be willing to bet it was sweetened with honey :)

Finally, at the end of the day, we had at least 20 supers full of honey. Each frame in a super (there are 9) has to be uncapped with a hot blade and then placed in a centrifuge, but we saved that for another day. Every super has to be bagged tightly and stored in a cool dark building until we can process it out. We processed it out later the next week and within 2 weeks my Bee Man had sold all 40 gallons of honey his bees had produced!

The photos below are all images taken of my hive, the one in my back yard, while I was taking it apart and harvesting my own honey. My hive alone had a gallon and a half!

About 35, 000 bees unhappy with the "Bee go"

One frame of capped honey. Properly capped honey NEVER spoils.

At this point I've removed the super and closed the hive back up- many bees had already found their way home, or just hung around on the side and front of the hive.

Uncapping the honey from my hive-

Spinning the honey out and watching it flow ♥

My Pixie and I at Owens Family Restaurant in the Outer Banks ♥

For more info about the bee deaths and what they think is causing it~
http://ecocentric.blogs.time.com/2010/10/07/the-riddle-of-the-bee-deaths-solved-at-last/

2011-07-15T13:53:00.004-05:00

"Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath."

 -- Michael Caine

It's been 11 days since the fall.

I feel raw.  As if I've been stretched one to many times like pulled taffy.   There isn't a single thing I do, or a quiet place to go where I don't think of, or worse- feel, an important life is being drained away from us.   There have been several terrible days and only a few which have glimmered with hope.  We presently float in the murky place of wait-and-see...

The difficult process of watching an injured, or sick, loved one who neither leans towards recovery or towards death is simply awful.  There is no resolution.  Ahh, well, yes, there is resolution at some point- History always proves this to be true, but when painful moments stretch in to hours, and those hours stretch into days, and then into weeks...it certainly feels as if there is no end in sight.

Trying to be "Sunny"- trying to look at each step in this process as a gift of sorts is a great challenge, but not without reward.   Every minute "Pawpaw" lives and is awake is another moment to cherish him in his presence.   Yet our hope for recovery is tainted by our fear of losing him.  We will lose him at some point.  The time we have now as we wait to see how he responds to the treatment sort of gives us space to "get prepared"- but anyone who has ever lost a loved one will tell you this isn't really true.   Death still takes one's breath away no matter how far ahead you see him coming.

Everyday I do find something to be thankful for.  I continually see my mother in law gaining confidence in her role as a hands-on caregiver.   Her resolve to ask questions and expect answers from Dr's shows a new form of courage I have never seen in her.   She is well known for quickly surrendering any and all authority when a bigger (or more vibrant) person walks in the room- which has always bothered me.  She is learning how to be a protector.

I'm learning how to take a step back and let other people in her network provide her with the extra support she needs.   A friend of mine was pointing out my "Savior" complex (he and I both suffer with this) and how important it was for me not to jump in take over simply because I was more capable.  It would be wrong of me to carry every baby bird around as it was learning to fly!   Simply because I CAN do a thing doesn't mean I SHOULD.

It's always about finding balance with me, isn't it?

A friend of the family has invited my daughter and I to go to the Outer Banks with them.  The condo is paid for and the occupants who were supposed to go had to back out.  At this moment I am leaning towards taking the generous offer and leaving on Monday for the unspoiled island coastline near Virginia.   I feel a little guilty for leaving (mom in law is staying with us, but is at the hospital every day)- but everyone says I should go.   In the event Pawpaw takes a turn for

the worse I can drive home immediately.

I can be a little duck on the water- and paddle back if the need arises.

Another One O'Clock in the morning post...

2011-07-11T00:25:00.001-05:00

But all I have is good news! We rode through the terrible storm, had been warned to expect the worst, and Pawpaw came through the surgery with no problems at all. Yes, his liver is still on the decline, and tomorrow he takes his first step with the new hip- but over all I am encouraged and blessed. We are all ready for life to go back to normal :) Love and hugs to all of you ♥

It's One O'clock in the morning...Damn-it- listen to me good~ (Elton John)

2011-07-07T00:34:00.000-05:00

I can't sleep.
I wander around in my old blog (and others) looking, reading, remembering- and mostly I am trying to be (mentally) somewhere other than where I am physically. Except I'm in one of my favorite places in the world, but under extreme duress. Life is hard at the moment.

My father in law, at the coast, fell on July 4th and broke his hip. He's in liver failure, has A-fib, and a large pleural effusion- along with pneumonia. The hip replacement is a walk in the park on it's own...but nothing short of a nightmare with all the other ailments. We were here with him when he fell. T had gotten the boat in the water and Mom in law had the steaks in the fridge for dinner that night. My father in law was excited to get on the pontoon boat and was on his way to the dock in the marina when he lost his balance and just fell...one wrong move and everything has come to a grinding halt.

The local hospital was not equipped to do surgery. It took us 24 hours to get him stabilized. Another hospital was alerted, and they accepted him, but they had no open beds. After another 24 hour wait and still no beds- I started getting fussy. In 11 hours his hip will have been broken for 3 DAYS. 3 DAYS of waiting, watching blood tests, listening to him rattle with pneumonia and fluid on his lungs. 3 DAYS of morphine and adult diapers...and beep, beep, beep- blood draws, vitals being recorded, PAIN, no sleep, worry, agony, nausea (mine), phone calls, aughhhhhhhh :(

And yet I have found things to be grateful for in almost every set back. His nurses were amazing and wonderful. The ER is a dreadful place to be anytime of year, but especially on July 4th weekend. He was treated with such good care and respect. I have friends at Duke in key places, as well as a sister who works at UNC- and "Pawpaw" is being transported there NOW- even as I write this. In 2 hours he will be in place and hopefully being seen by the Ortho team and being prepped for surgery within the NEXT 24 hours.

I will drive home in a few hours and wait with the kids who are dealing with all the feelings that come with a Grandparent whose life is in danger. We all love him. He served in the Korean war. He was a fire fighter at Pope Air-force base for 25 years. He was the deputy fire Marshall with the town of Cary for almost 20 years.
He's a good man, a hero, a father of 2, a step father of 1, and a Grandfather to 5, with one on the way. We have a long road ahead of us, but my hope is that in a few weeks we'll all be back here again...with the boat in the water, and Pawpaw on board, and steaks in the fridge for dinner- and we will celebrate the 4th of August- and our independence- and I won't have to look hard to find something to be grateful for.

I guess I should go to bed now?
♥

Foamy in person - better than you can imagine, but all I knew would be true :)

2011-06-24T22:46:00.000-05:00

I've been blogging for several years. I'd like to say it's been a long time (almost 6 years now?) but I have good friends who've been at it longer- so I'll refrain from using words like "long", or "ages", or "forever". You can read the index and see for yourself how long it's been- through "thick and thinner"- pudgy is now the season I think I'm in :)

A few weeks ago I had the extreme pleasure of meeting a blogger who I've been friends with almost since the beginning of my blog life, who shares many of the same blog friends as I do, and has a heart tender enough to actually use my phone number and call when things are difficult in my life. Foamy, or Diana, has seen me through some difficult moments, and when things in her life were less than easy she has been in many of my thoughts and prayers and sometimes even cards in the mail. What a precious heart she has- and IS.

She arrived at the coast a few days before I did. But when I arrived she was a mere hop away from where I would be staying. Our original plans were to meet the following day after I arrived, but I couldn't wait for such! I drove over to see her the night I got to the beach...there was no way I was going to wait!

Foamy has been a dear friend. More beautiful and precious in person than on-line, which would be hard for me to imagine. She is genuine, down to earth, sweet, and as good natured as I could have hope for- and then some. When she speaks I hear the slightest hint of her German upbringing- which I consistently questioned (internally) if it was real, or if I just knew her to well :) I imagine both are true. I felt like, when I met her, I had known her for many years--- which was absolutely true! e

I can't put into words what a treasure it was to meet her- but I hope it won't be out last encounter! If she returns to the NC coast this summer- I would like to drive wherever she is to see her again and meet her family- and I hope vice versa. I know some of you know what a gift it is to meet your fellow blog friends- but for those of you who haven't- do so when you can. It's an experience like none other :)

Hugs Foamy :) and thank you!

If you have good helpers...the hospital might not kill you

2011-06-03T14:02:00.002-05:00

All the best medicine in the world is of no avail if a patient is not understood, or overlooked, or gets lost between shift changes. World class health care is useless without consistent input and feedback between Dr. and patient; and I mean more than the Dr. reading off test results and the patient grunting "Uh-huh" in the 3 minutes they spend in dialog every morning at O'dark 30.

My mom developed a very serious complication during a rather routine surgery last week and almost bled to death. The surgery, a gastric bypass, would help her shed many extra pounds- which would reduce the strain on her kidneys, lessen her need for insulin, and hopefully extend her life. Instead the Dr. uncovered a failing liver, mom bled out when a key incision was made, and the bypass had to be abandoned. Next, my mom went into renal failure and was on the verge of dialysis. She required a blood transfusion. Once the kidneys began to slowly function again a strange thing happened...my mom's mental status went completely down hill.

Now I know that people become easily disoriented in a hospital. I know some patients wake up in a panic because they don't know where they are, or are so exhausted from the sheer unrest which exists in a hospital environment they can barely remember their own name. All of these things I could have understood if my mom had slipped into the gray area of being merely disoriented, but alas- she seemed to have fallen into a deep black hole and for a while I was truly afraid I had lost her in a way I had never imagined. She was out of her mind.

Her mother, my grandmother, has been dead for almost 30 years. In the middle of the night I heard my mom "talking" to her mother. Several times my mom tried to get up (thankfully she was to weak to do so) because she told me she was in my sisters bed. She thought my other sister was a white hissing cat who jumped out of the wall. Mom said there were 2 men in the room over in the corner behind her and they were watching my sister. The worst part was when the sun finally arose and I saw my mom's face- her eyes specifically, glazed over, unable to focus, she knew who I was, but had lost all hand eye coordination. And worse than that, was trying to explain the Dr. who was an intern and had never met my mom before that something was very very wrong. All he saw was a groggy patient who'd had an unsuccessful surgery and her wounds were healing nicely. He completely dismissed my fears about her hallucinations and talking out of her head.

I wanted to beat the man within an inch of his arrogant life.

It really wasn't until the respiratory therapist came in to see mom that we got the attention we were looking for. Thankfully it was the same therapist who had seen her the day before while my mom was in her normal state. On this day she was alarmed to find my mom was "not the same patient" that she had been a day earlier. Dr's were paged, more blood work was done, and they soon discovered her CO2 levels were very high. Add to this the morphine she'd had earlier was still trapped in her body because of the decline of her kidney function. To much carbon dioxide in the blood causes a patient to act drunk and out of their head.

Within 48 hours mom returned from her abyss and was clear-headed once more. All the care she received in the hospital was top notch, her nurses and medical staff (aside from the one intern) were caring, patient, attentive, and helpful. I felt she was given the best care possible, except for the fact they didn't really know her (and how could they?)- and the key signs of her mental decline could not have been perceived by anyone other than a close family member. This is the 2nd time I've witnessed a patient's dire need for a caregiver in order to receive proper support. Had my sister and the respiratory therapist not insisted something was wrong I don't know how long it would have taken for her blood chemistry levels to be checked, if they would have been checked at all. A fragile diabetic patient with liver failure and on the verge of dialysis could be easily considered unstable in any number of ways.

It was a tough week being with mom in the hospital. Thankfully we have a big family who were willing to help in any way they could. My sisters and I took shifts, with the 3rd sister Robin taking the lions share of managing her care. My heart aches when I think of patients going to the hospital alone with no one to look over them. Hospitals, as good as they can be, are not places to linger alone. Good helpers make a big difference.

Mom is recovering at home and being well tended to with lots of visits, phone calls, and home cooked meals. Those of you who knew she was ill- I appreciate your thoughts, calls, and prayers. I imagine the road ahead will not be an easy one, but with every step I learn something new.

Beautiful Youth

2011-06-03T13:24:00.000-05:00

You had no idea how perfect you were-
No idea how to hold on to peachful lusciousness.
I see the photos of perfection and I weep-
but only for a moment.

The aging peach is worth something-
Still sweet- still younger than prune juice....
but older than strawberries picked in may-
A fragrant rose yet.

Some I see are no longer flowers- or roses or fruit.
They are the vine itself, or the tree well rooted.
Beautiful, strong, weathered, still perfect,
While others fade out.

And why are some resilient?
Disease and poor tending make a difference.

Wisdom with time is far lovelier still~
and what I long for in these middle years.

None are exempt from time or mother nature-

Yet some are still glorious in advanced age..

And some bitter- in beautiful youth.

I want the best of both.

MaydenAmerica Chicka-- Haiku

2011-04-24T11:13:00.001-05:00

Golden tiny fluff of love
one tooth glossy eyes scattered shell emerge
cocks head fluffs wings perfection

For the people of Japan~

2011-03-13T11:58:00.003-05:00

http://thenyd.blogspot.com/

We, Bloggers in particular, are part of a global community. It's an interesting bond we have here...a place where we are connected primarily through words and ideas. Friendships are created which can have as much, or as little impact, as we choose. It's been surprising to me over the years how many people I have come to care for and even love via this medium.

A blog friend I've known for several years lives in Japan and is close to the area affected by the earthquake. Thankfully he wasn't in the heart of the devastation, but he's close enough to be enduring shortages of basics we take for granted. As of this morning one news report said as many as 10,000 people are missing from one town alone. My heart breaks for the people of Japan.

Here's some info about how to make donations. Please help if you can. For me the earthquake is personal, as is any event that happens where my blog friends are.

I hope it's a beautiful day where you are today~
Hugs and love to each of you.

-Cora
*************************************************************
Several relief agencies have ways people can contribute to disaster relief in Japan following the devastating earthquake and tsunami.

Call 1-800-RED-CROSS for English or 1-800 257 7575 for Spanish. Or call the Knoxville Red Cross office at 865-584-2999.

Text donations

Red Cross: You can text "Red Cross" to 90999. This will add a $10 donation to your cell phone bill.

Salvation Army: Text "Japan" to 80888 to make a $10 donation. A one-time donation will appear on your cell phone bill. Please respond "YES" to the thank you message you receive.

Online donations

The Red Cross accepts donations online on its website or by mail with a form you can print and include with your check. Information on matching gift donations is also available.

Save the Children is also taking donations to help.

GlobalGiving.org has launched a Japan Earthquake and Tsunami Relief Fund. It works with other organizations such as the International Medical Corps.

You can donate online to the non-profit Convoy of Hope.

Checking people's status

The Red Cross is one agency that hosts a website where people can register themselves as "safe and well" after a disaster. Family members can check this site as well to see who has registered.

The State Department also has contacts for U.S. citizens in Japan who need help, or people concerned about U.S. citizens there. Email JapanEmergencyUSC@state.gov or call 1-888-407-4747 or 202-647-5225.

Some molds are meant to be broken~

2011-02-28T21:59:00.000-05:00

In the dark and early hours of this morning I had a terrible nightmare. A dream so real and frightening I awoke soaking wet and in a wicked place of half rage and half panic. In the dream I was the perpetrator, I was angry, and I was the one causing the anguish. My daughter, whom I love and treasure more than my own soul, was the victim. After lashing out at her both verbally and physically, she turned to look me in the eye and I saw that I had killed the most important thing in my life...her love, and it was then the panic set in.

Unfortunately the dream was actually a flash back of a similar encounter I had with my father when I was 16. While the circumstances were a little different, the outcome was the same. He destroyed every ounce of love I had for him because of his ego and pride about a sad choice I made. I can recall the event with clarity, even though it took me a few hours to realize that encounter was the deeply buried source of the nightmare. I was so angry upon waking that if I'd had a weapon close by I think I would have used it to harm myself. I was absolutely horrified by what I had done in my dream.

Later in the morning I sent my daughter a text and told her how much I loved her. She thought it was just a moment of "mom being mom", which is a precious indicator of our relationship. My expressions of love and gratitude for my kids is something I try to show on a daily basis. Yes, I lose my temper. Yes, sometimes I yell at them. No, I do not throw things, or bring bodily harm to them- ever. If I wanted to hurt myself from just dreaming about inflicting pain I can't imagine how I could live with myself if I actually did such a thing.

It's been 25 years since the heartbreaking incident with my father (but obviously there were other problems brewing for a long time). We've had moments of both healing, and of new destruction. Presently there is simple acknowledgement of our blood relationship and a striving for peace when we're in the same room. I think he regrets his actions. I look at my 15 yr old daughter and could never blame her for the things he blamed me for. I look at her and I understand the delicate balance beam she walks upon as she transitions from girl to woman. I treasure her innocence, yet I also embrace and support her as she feels and thinks the things a new woman feels. I have been her mother, protector, teacher, and mentor, and as she spreads her wings I want her to have confidence that I will always be here for her. She will make mistakes. I will help her pick up pieces. We will disagree on how best to do something, but I will honor her choices in the end.

It's been a weird day. Things from the past have wiggled up to the surface and brought tears to my eyes more than once. I honestly thought all of this was behind me, but part of me still throbs with an ache that simply hasn't gone away. Perhaps it's the realization that for so many years I took full responsibility for what I did at 16 and the anger and grief it caused the people around me, only to have my own daughter (who will be 16 this year) and wonder how anyone could put such a load on her tiny shoulders. Why would anyone lash out, or blame, or damage someone so important? I don't know.

I do know that experience shaped me as a mother. I do know that some molds (moulds?) should be broken. I know that if my own sad experiences have made me a better parent for this beautiful girl (and my dear son) - then they were experiences worth having regardless of how painful they were. I can't go back and change anything in my past, but I can make better choices in my future and theirs...and I definitely have.

Tonight I'm grateful for broken molds and hopeful for a peaceful night of sleep.

I wish the same for you ♥

Inspiration...sought

2011-01-07T11:34:00.000-05:00

The garden of the Sanctuary had been ill tended. Though it was important and suitably guarded- I had neglected it's upkeep.

The exterior seemed normal enough until I walked int the actual garden itself. I was astonished by all the broken and splintered wood, as if great limbs from trees had been cast down and scattered among the plants, shrubs, and flowers I held dear. The shrubs, while a few were almost split in two from the fallen timber, at least revealed smooth green branches in their broken places and reassured me of life. The tender plants, like my petunias and herbs, had been smothered and would not be revived.

What pained me most though was the well/fountain at the heart of my garden. It was surrounded by a low circular stone wall in the center and was now covered with weeds and brambles. There seems to be nothing sacred in nature. No headstone a weed will not cling to and deface, no grave site to precious for dandelions, and no body of water to holy for bacteria or debris. Sacred is the invention of men, and of gods, and of mothers. Nature pays no heed to any.

I, foolishly, dared to hope the order I had brought to my garden, the structure, the symmetry, would endure a season or two of my absence. That nature would follow the guidelines I had set forth in neat rows of marigolds, precisely staked and tied tomato plants, and an herb garden sectioned off by stones I had dug from the ground to create a natural border. Yes, it is true there was a evidence the hand of a gardener had been at work, but all boundaries were blurred and only a slight blueprint remained.

I was grieved and resolved at the same time. I understood what I need to do. I know labor and discipline will bring order and structure, but in the end it will be time, water, and nature which will bring new life.

My only real concern is for the well at the center. It is the object I have danced around with my words in this medium. It alone is the reason for the garden. The well is the actual Sanctuary. I suspect it is not broken or ruined. I dearly hope it is not dry, but I am not positive. I don't have the fortitude to inspect if now, but I will work my way towards it as I cut the weeds back, dig up what is no longer thriving, and haul away debris.

Surely the well is working...

One of my reflections for today...and probably tomorrow ♥

2010-11-29T17:36:00.000-05:00

(I copied this from Lux on FB :)

"The past does not equal the future. Because you may have failed a moment ago, all day today, or for the last six months,or for the last sixteen years,or for the last fifty years of your life - doesn't mean anything.

All that matters is....

what are you going to do NOW?"~ Anthony Robbins

•♥•´¯`•.¸¸.♥••♥•´¯`•.¸¸.♥••♥•´¯`•.¸¸.♥••♥•´¯`•.¸¸.♥•

a comparison-

2010-11-27T21:47:00.001-05:00

did she take off

years?

or what?

I like the pink hair and less wrinkles...
and yet-
I am who I am-

love you the same!!!!
blonde, 41, curvy...mom of teens-
me ;)

A Day at the beach, a metaphor for life~

2010-11-11T16:17:00.002-05:00

(A blast from the past, but still relevant today)

Sometimes the view before our eyes...

Does not prepare us for what is looming up behind-
-
The big dark cloud crept over us, but the sun peered around it's thick edges, stretching rays of light beyond the temporary borders of the storm.

I stood in the cloud's shadow and looked up- reassured by the light, yet chilled by the winds that blew stinging sand against my exposed skin.

As with many things in life, I waited it out. I hunkered down- put up the umbrella, called the kids in close to me, and we watched the giant dark clouds sail out over the ocean until we were safe.

No thunder rolled, no lightening flashed- just the threat of a storm...and an empty threat in the end.

I'm glad I didn't scramble for the car- or run in a panic over "what might be".

--
I'm glad we stayed, and played in the waves, and found courage to stick it out- even when things looked bad...

I know- I know...this is the way to live life.
With our eyes open, with courage, and a willingness to be patient and wait.

(all of the above photos were taken during a span of 2 hours, on the Atlantic coast- north of Wilimington- summer of 2007)

The UAE

2010-10-28T21:18:00.000-05:00

Every now and then I discover the United Arab Emirates are reading my blog...and I just can't help but wonder why. I don't think I have any friends over there, (soldiers or otherwise), nor do I have any family working in that region...

And yet- every month or so they check in for a quick read. (Hello- whoever you are!)

Who's the most interesting or unusual reader you've discovered on your blog?

October 14th, 2010

2010-10-14T17:16:00.002-05:00

Just remembering and missing a friend today~

4 years old, going on 16!

2010-10-04T12:00:00.001-05:00

(The blog crisis is seemingly resolved. [Phos, I have to wonder if you aren't on to something with the hotmail v the gmail acct!] This is a re-post from 4 years ago because J is now 8 and in 3rd grade...with as much spunk as ever. A current post is brewing :)

Yesterday, I got to spend 2 hours with my nephews... J is 4, A is 1.

J is percocious and ambitious and likes--no loves--to demolish things, throw balls, build stuff and tear it down, ride his bike fast, be a cowboy, be a police man...you name it--I have never seen a child with so much spunk!

Anyway, he is going to pre-school this September and I asked him, "J, which school will you be going to this fall?"

He put his hands on his hips in a very grown up way and with the most serious look on his face (because, this is after all a very serious matter), he said,

"Aunt Nonna, I will be in High School!" :)

I love that monkey!

LOL!!!!

Seriously...I'm about to lose my blog...

2010-09-27T21:50:00.000-05:00

Everytime I try to log in- there's a problem with the password or my hotmail acct info!
I might have to switch to something else :(

It makes me so sad...

But, alas, we get what we pay for!

No matter... I will figure this out- or make a better plan...or something :)

Hugs everyone :)

A hair past half-empty- (or 9/20ths full?)

2010-09-25T21:24:00.000-05:00

It's been a long hot summer.
I've been to the coast and back several times.
I created an on-line company http://www.maydenamerica.com/ (honey and hand made items..not a damn thing imported from China!) (although I do love the people of China ♥)
My beekeeping skills have tested my limits (not all of them, but several- :)
My kids will be 15 and 17 this Tuesday and in Novemeber (but not in that order)-
I feel old some days.
Other days I feel like I'm 12 with an extra 30 lbs...which sucks on a bicycle.   However, I keep getting on the bicycle.
I've been married for 21 years.   Sometimes it stuns me when I say that...sometimes in a good way, sometimes it just feels shocking to me.
I have sold 5 gallons of honey, shipped to Hollywood Fl, to California, to places all over the east coast, and the interior of the USA...one (or two) bottles at a time.   I have 4 more gallons to sell.
4 gallons of honey is a LOT of honey-
I'm reading Ayn Rand's book "The Fountainhead"- and it makes me a little nuts.   Any discussion on the topic would be appreciated.
I find myself resenting people who are passionately in love.
New friends are self centered and greedy...and frankly they frighten me.
Old friends seem consumed by divorces, or affairs, or children with problems...
I have none of those issues-
No divorce, no affairs to speak of, and children who are dear and hard working.
I probably need to go back to work.
I definitely need to go back to work.
Or find an amazingly rich and powerful sweetheart who will take me to Greece or Hawaii and pay me to be a ghost writer for his book...??? :)
I dream in color ♥
Life is not always back and white.
In my town, less than 10 miles away, a dad did an unspeakable thing in response to financial ruin.   He "snapped", lost sight of the value of life- in the light of the burden of dollars- or the lack thereof...and the shame of bankruptcy.    The dearest things in his life became deadly.   He saw the shining lights of his soul as encompassing points of dispair, and he became broken.   His mind slipped into insanity...his 4 yr old will be burried on Tuesday.   His older children, who are well known by my children, will live with the horror and heartbreak of their fathers breakdown.    This family- cared for and well known by my friends and neighbors, will forever be remembered by his surrender to darkness.   A darkness which haunts all of us from time to time...a darkness that sanity can overcome with love and reason- if only we cling to it.

I long for the cool days of Autumn.   For happy times with friends and family.   For old friends who care only for who I am on the inside.

We age with each passing day.    I approach my end usually with light and love...aware that each moment is precious, aware of friends with illness and loss...aware that I have the power to make each moment my own- and aware that every moment I laugh or smile or weep- is a moment to treasure- and that each life can only have so many of these moments compared to the mundane ones.

Pehaps, afterall, I am a "hair past half full"...
11/20ths?

I think so.   The ice was playing tricks on me.

I love you all.   You know I do~

Adult sites, and Chipmunk bites...

2010-07-07T00:05:00.001-05:00

This is what I've been reduced to...

My Stat counter shows me what keywords lead a stranger (via a search engine) to my blog.

"Chipmunk bites, and Adult sites" are the top hits.

I've been blessed beyond words to have attracted lovely people with good hearts, people who've embraced me like they would family (or better), and they (you) always make Mayden's Voyage feel like a safe place to BE.

However, you simply would not believe how many people have read my blog to find out what to do if one is bitten by a Chipmunk! (thousands of people! - and the quick answer is SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION ASAP!)

Nor would you believe how many people find me because I wrote about a trip to Myrtle beach where I discovered I was smack dab in the middle of the Adult entertainment district! (It was a sleezy part of town which I will never stay in again)

Recently I've been getting readers from all over the US, and usually they don't leave comments (this is normal I think).   I find it interesting though that someone might spend the better part of an hour, or even a week, reading my Titanic of a blog (4 years and counting) and not say "hello".    Especially if you are a Marine...lol- PLEASE say hello :)
(actually- I welcome everyone to leave a comment :)

I'm way overdue for returning to my blog and writing here like I once did...and I've missed it.   As one friend said, "Life trumps Blog" (Chickory to X Dell), it has, but that needs to change.

Love to all.
Even if you came via a chipmunk chewing, or for erotica viewing...(ewwww).
What an odd mix that is!
:)

Mr. Ocean~

2010-07-04T17:47:00.000-05:00

He breathes deeply-
Exhaling near my heart.
I know his scent from a mile away...
He knows this, and smiles a knowing smile.

Sometimes, when I cross his path- I delay-
Waiting a whole day to let him hold me.
But he always laughs and says, "Silly girl"...
I'm the only ONE you've ever loved.

He is generous with his kisses-
He misses nothing-
Covers me in chill bumps,
Tingles me in ways I'd blush to describe.

Sometimes he's rough...too rough-
And I have to stand on the shore and scold him-
But he is who he is-
My adoration is not enough to change his tide, or mood.

And then there are days like today-
When every swell is passionate kiss-
And every wave is a tenderly placed touch.
Each caress is met with my own unfettered bliss.

I know, in my heart, I will never tame him-
I know, in my deepest places- he has tamed me.
And yet- with a joy I can not express with words---
I never tire of his embrace.

Never.
Such is love.

♥

On our day of Independence...

2010-07-04T11:34:00.000-05:00

I find myself thankful to be an American~

And greatly Blessed to know those who have served, and served with courage and dignity.

May you indeed have a Happy Independence Day :)

"You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism."

~Erma Bombeck

(I think JL4 would have approved of this one :) Rest in Peace friend~)

The Magic of Love Letters

2010-06-24T06:43:00.000-05:00

(edited for length on 11-1-07)

I got one in my mailbox today...a love letter ♥ :)
When was the last time someone took a few minutes to find a pen and paper to tell you they loved you?

And Vice/Versa?

I love "love letters/notes"-

oth to write them and to get them :)

-
I have dozens (hundreds?) of letters and cards stowed away in my office and I can not bring myself to throw them out. Each are like a little treasure. Each are a gift in themselves. Each note/card marks a distinct moment or season in my life that was made richer by a person who was walking a similar path. Or felt a common bond. Or took the time to listen (which is the first step in the process of love) and found a sister, or a friend, or kindred spirit in me.

My beloved friend wrote, "You will always have a room in my heart- just for you, that no one else can fill." Those words brought tears to my eyes because I know how deeply her words are felt, and how similar things have been said by others- but simply weren't true. Or were only true for a season. I am gulity of the same.

Love letters remind us of the sand castles we built in the past, as well as show us the foundation of the fortress we reside in presently. Love letters are history in the making. Our history. Shared words reveal the complex threads of the heart and soul entwined around the mind and spirit.

Pen, paper, and love are the ingredients of magic.

A few times in my life I have been swayed by the power of words and words alone. I didn't need to meet the writer to love him or her any more deeply than I already did. Their words were enough. In my heart I feel sure that Emily Dickinson and I would be the best of friends :)

Anyway- the letter I got today in the mail came exactly when I needed it. This is of course what makes love letters magical...they know when to arrive :) Have you ever gotten a love letter at a bad time???

My goal in the coming 2 weeks is to WRITE several love letters- to people who've been on my heart- to friends I've not made time for- and to (elderly) family who check their mail everyday with a tiny hope that they will be remembered by their relations.

Love letters are about love- not about sex or steamy passion (though they can be ;). They are mostly about stolen moments, honesty, and fleeting memories of beautiful encounters...either in the past , or moments you hope for in the future.

Love letters are for kids you adore, family you don't see very often, lovers you miss, and for friends wherever they are. Love notes are about appreciation.
It's that simple...anyone you love and appreicate deserves to be told so. Spouses are included :)
-
"For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it."
- Ivan Panin
-
Here's to love- and love letters :)

Perilous Adventures and Wishes Granted~

2010-05-14T22:02:00.000-05:00

(aka- what I've been up to, and drinks I've made:)

This is my hive...which I opened without my gloves...and that was a mistake.

I was stung just below the knuckle, Apparently one of my bees didn't like me much? Ouch!

(my hand swelled to twice the normal size)

However, I did make it to the beach....where I had strawberries and sushi on the shore :)

(but not at the same time)

Not quite Marilyn..

;)

My Grandmother came for a visit~ my dad's mom, "Mabel"- who is such a lovely and dear person-

I'll be lucky to ever be half the lady she is ♥

Today I went to my Uncle's farm to pick strawberries ♥

I've made 16 cups of Jam so far!

And at last, I had a Martini!

It looks like Margaret had one too, but she didn't! :)

I've done more, but I'm too tired to tell about it...but a garden WAS planted :)

I want...

2010-05-13T20:54:00.000-05:00

A martini!

-
More soon~

/t- put me in a Warhol mood ♥

2010-05-01T12:57:00.000-05:00

A blast from the past..

Created by Chickory~ (aka beloved pooch, K9, Ande :)
I'm not sure I ever published this one!

Purpose~

2010-04-25T20:07:00.000-05:00

A Sweet cure~

"Because there is so little water in honey, microorganisms that encounter honey die as the water in them is removed by osmosis. In addition, as honey is diluted with water, a chemical reaction between glucose, water, and oxygen produces small amounts of hydrogen peroxide and gluconic acid. The slow release of hydrogen peroxide makes honey a mild antiseptic. The acidity of honey also reduces the number of organisms that can live in it. "

The other morning I was watching my bees, as I usually do for a little while everyday, and I observed several of them removing a dead comerade from the hive. Three or four of them rolled and wiggled the deceased out to the front of the hive, and two of them (somehow) carried her body to the ground. One bee remained with the body of the dead bee, feeling her and walking over her...performing a last rites of one sort or another(?), and then she returned to the hive. I imagine this is something that happens quite often, due to the short life span of my little buzzing neighbors. (I wouldn't exactly call them "friends", nor should I say they are "mine"...because bees belong to no-one but their Queen.)

Worker Bees die about every 21 to 30 days, however, this is the same anount of time (21 days) it takes for incubation. Worker bees are all female and do all of the work in the hive. The Drones are male and only live to mate with a Queen, and he dies soon after.

A honey bee has a single purpose in life: To reproduce the colony. Everything they do, from gathering nectar and pollen, making honey, building honey comb, to laying eggs, and removing their dead...it's all for the survial of the next generation.

Is this the purose of all lesser, or non domesticated, creatures?

I use the term "non domesticated" because I was thinking of my cats, who are both fixed, and care nothing for creating a new generation of themselves. They only want their favorite food and to be petted...and to sleep in a comfy spot on my deck chair.

However, I have seen my cats chase bugs and butterflies for sport. Obviously they aren't hungry- they are having fun. The same can be said of dogs, dolphins, horses, and even bears. Though I hardly consider a bear to be a creature that can be domesticated.

I guess this train of thought comes from my own inner longing of wanting to be sure I've found my purpose, and that I am pursuing it. I think humans generally have more than one purpose. I think our purpose, or callings, change over time. I know they do. My 20's and 30's were spent caring for my children. My 40's are very different. At 30, with a 6 and 4 yr old, I could scarcely imagine being away from my family for a weekend, much less a week or a month. At 40- (and beyond, I hope) this is not out of the question, and is at times a wonderful reality.

All that being said though, this morning, as I marveled at the honey bees in my back yard, I felt a little twinge of longing...

Of longing to know my purpose before it unfolds on the horizion. Of seeing the productivity of bees, and the lounging of my cats, and knowing I was somewhere in between those 2 lifestyles. Recognizing the beauty of my life and being thankful for what I have, yet feeling certain there is much more for me to do.

Torrential

2010-04-25T15:33:00.000-05:00

It's a problem when I have a back log of things to purge out.

It's an indication of my resources being used up for things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, teen-age taxi driving, party planner, Dr. appt appointee for mom, - oh...and not to mention the garden and bee-keeping.

So what? I have a buzzy life.

However, I'm haunted by something I read years ago called, "The Tyranny of the Urgent". This phenomenon is certainly the plague of mothers, but I suppose it's the bane of men's existence too?

I don't know.

There are things I know my husband wants to do but is tied down by work. On the other hand, I see him make time for things in his life which are important and refusing to be snagged by trivial things like fixing the toilet seat (which has been wobbling for 2 weeks, I fixed it today), or tightening the handle of the oven (I asked last week, I adjusted it last night), or any number of minor (yet irritating) repairs around the house.

I suppose though, given he's had a medical issue that needed attention 6 months ago and just saw the Dr. last week about it, if he won't make time to repair himself, the house has got to come somewhere near the end of his mental list.

The tyranny of the urgent simply means we forgo the "important" for what's pressing on us at the moment.

I imagine Doctors and Nurses in the Emergency room have mastered this skill when assessing a patient who needs critical care. Someone with a skull fracture and a broken leg is going to be sent for a head CT before the leg is mended...despite the patient being in tremendous pain from the broken leg. The head injury has to be dealt with first.

I don't really want to compare my need to write with a head injury,

but it's not much off the mark.

To Hell with the laundry for a little while longer-

Tonight...I write!

Meant to Bee~

2010-04-18T21:55:00.001-05:00

My hive :)

Inside the Hive~

This is just one of many things keeping me buzzzy this spring!

I have my tomatoes planted, and one of my flower beds ready...next I'll plant

blueberry shrubs :)

I hope I get some honey this summer, but if I don't, it' ok. This has been an amazing

learning experience so far!

(Is Blogger changing things again???)

Hugs and love to all of you :)

Grief, and the beauty therein~

2010-03-18T07:23:00.002-05:00

Grief is a love word.

I ran into someone yesterday who I haven't seen in over 18 years...a someone with whom I carry a sad and unresolved issue from our teens. An issue which had life changing implications and shaped me profoundly.   We've done a marvelous job of avoiding each other, and on the rare occasion when I did see him at a distance we'd sort of nod and go our seperate ways.   I have wanted to have a long conversation with this person for some time, but neither of us were able.   Yesterday, by the queerest chance imaginable I saw him, and while I was prepared to "nod and run"- he actually called me out...and wonder of wonders- even hugged me.

For a moment I stood in front of him almost speechless.   An agonizing heartbreak of 24 years sped to the surface with the force of a missle, or projectile of some kind...black, warped, hot, and pushing forward, up out of the depths of me.   I assumed that kind of depth only existed in outer space and I was stunned to discover how that sort of space could exist in me.   I can not fully express what it was like.

We spoke in general terms, and yet at one point I saw tears in his eyes when he expressed a personal thought. He made a confession. He asked me to stay in touch with him. It was like I was talking to a completely different man.   I guess time and the Marine Corp will do that to a person.   Grief changed me. A grief so deep and wide it nearly swallowed me whole- so very long ago.

In the span of 12 minutes, standing in a grocery store, a long overdue healing process had begun.

I felt waves of grief wash over me. Loss, hurt, suffering, guilt, shame, remorse...those things were there too, but above all was grief, but more importantly, it was a shared grief.   Suddenly the burden, the secret sack of shit I've carried for so many years alone, was lifted, and shared.

The beauty of grief is that it's devoid of hate. We don't grieve over things we loathe, only over the things we love. Hate would have stunted my growth. Hate would have made the things I suffered in vain. Hate would have kept me silent when I needed to speak out and help others who found themselves in my same situation.   Hate would have turned on me and eaten me from the inside out.
Love allowed me to slowly recover.
Love for myself, and inspite of myself.

Grief and love, v/s Hate and apathy-
It's good to know, after all of these years, I chose wisely.

Ode to Chickory~ "Breathless"

2010-02-18T09:40:00.007-05:00

(Something I wrote in Nov 08 at Chickory with Ande, but was then buried under other things I've written. Glad I found it...and thankful for the reminder :)

The Sun sinks on the Autumn Ridge.
I've seen her as she exits,
Viewed from way up high on the mountain side...

Down she goes, down a western slope,

Leaving the land in coolness and shadows.

Bright yellow leaves pretend to be sunbeams-

but only for this season.

The clouds settle over us in a wispy mist.
The Sun turns her back and the dampness lays in.

My fingers grow cold and numb trying to write,
Sitting by the stream as it gurggles and gushes~ swishy and swirly.

A canopy of green, yellow, orange and red tower above us,
As splendid as any cathederal, Holy as any church.

If God is in the details- then surely He exists in this place...
In the light, colors, and sounds which fill the senses.

Steep and arduous hills are with the climb-
Walk slowly, keep breathing, struggle for the top.

Then turn to see the treasure spill out before you~

There IS a difference between being breathless from an excursion-

And being breathless from wonder.

Both have their place ♥

2010-02-03T22:20:00.005-05:00

Part of my deck is screened in.

I have 2 bird feeders on the deck and there are times when a little bird gets confused and flies into the screened-in section. A little chicka-dee found herself in such a predicament 2 days ago- flying into an area of 3 walls of no escape, and one section open to the world.

She had a one in 4 chance of easily making it out.

I stood at the kitchen window and watched her for a moment. My first impulse was to dash outside and help, but I waited. I watched her fly towards the screen and perch on it, then she looked towards the left, then the right, and then seemed to ponder. She next flew to a chair a few feet away, and again she looked left, then right, and paused for a moment.

For a tiny bird brain she seemed to be doing a lot of thinking.

Again she flew to the closest way out, but a screen kept her in. She flew back to the chair and re-grouped. In my heart I was shouting, "Little one, the way out is so close! What you want is right before you!"

Again she flew towards the screen and found herself trapped.

I felt my pulse rise slightly. Knowing I could set her right was foremost in my thoughts. I stepped away from the kitchen window and walked towards the living room to the deck door- but I was always looking through the windows and keeping an eye on her.

Before I reached the door she landed back on the chair- looked straight ahead, found her way out, and flew towards freedom without my help.

For a second I was that tiny bird.

looking, wondering...

♥

Long Overdue~

2010-01-31T22:12:00.008-05:00

(The "news" bit of this post will be at the bottom)

I'm not exactly in the deep south, and the last few days certainly haven't felt like it either.
I noticed an interesting trend in my house today after I'd been outside taking pictures. I wonder if you can spot it?

(and for those of you up to your ears in snow all winter, you might want to skip this :)

(my bedroom door)

(Son's bedroom door)

(Front door)

Notice anything? I have snowmen ear-rings, and snowmen on my vests. It dawned on me that maybe WE were the reason for the change of weather around here! lol :) (Do not tell the Yankees who live near us, they might get mad)

(view from the front porch)

The backyard- no sign of the deer, but they left foot-prints.

As did the birds below the bird feeder-

My gorgeous Carolina Jasmine is hanging on, but I worry the 10 degree temps tonight will be hard on her.

Backyard

Neighborhood view...where did the road go?

No coon tracks- I'm guessing the snow makes them stand out quite a bit to the Owls and Hawks who live in the forest behind us~
___

___

____

____

No sunbathing this week :)

News~

Early Jan was a struggle. Mid January found me at the coast. My father in law became quite ill and was hospitalized. I went to be with them for a week to help out when he came home, and I am glad I did. Even in their difficult situation we managed to have fun and laugh and eat well every day. I did most of the cooking, as well as helped with various other things. My in-laws were happy to have me, and I was happy to be there. "Paw-Paw" is well and should recover completely.

It feels like a million things have happened since Jan 1st, but I guess it's simply the drama of life. Today is my mother's b-day and she will be 60.

Happy B-day mom :)

I have a back log of things to write, and bloggers to visit. I have missed being with you. I have missed your words and the comfort of your friendship. I have especially missed some who will not return.

I find it powerful and curious how important words can be in a persons life. Merely words. Written, spoken, texted, or emailed...they fill up the big spaces, and especially the little ones in our lives. Our words have meaning (unless you are in Congress- ugh) and they have power to sway, influence, tear down, or express love.

When the words stop- IT IS then one realizes how important those words were/are. How those messages layered in on the soul, like feathers on a hen, softly and securely protecting a treasure beneath.

If I could give you all big smoochy hug I would- lol- but since I can't- I leave you with this~

"Kind words are a creative force, a power that concurs in the building up of all that is good, and energy that showers blessings upon the world."- Lawrence G. Lovasik

and this-

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

- Christopher Robin to Pooh

:) I will visit soon~

Happy New Year :)

2009-12-31T21:57:00.004-05:00

and this was filmed almost 40 years ago... just something to think about...

Move Over Baby Jesus~ (another true story)

2009-12-05T14:20:00.007-05:00

Asher and I were going to my mom's apartment to take care of a quick errand on Thursday.

I knew he and his brother had been there the week before with their mom, my sister Robin, to help decorate "Gram's" Christmas tree. As we walked (Asher bounced) down the hallway to Gram's door I asked Asher about their visit last week.

Me: "Asher, did you and your brother help decorate Gram's tree this year?"

Asher: "Yep Aunt Nonna! It looks really good!"

Me: "Well, {STOP RUNNING!} did you put lots of pretty decorations and lights on the tree?"

Asher: (Glances over his shoulder to look at me and says) "Nonna, we put lots of fun things on the Christmas tree! When we we get to Grams's apartment I'll show you the SATAN ornament we put on it!"

Me: {Taken aback-??? }" WHHHATTTTT???!!! What kind of ornament?" (Surely I misunderstood something!)

Asher: "Yes- Gram has an Angel of Satan on her tree- I will show you!!!"

At this point I am perfectly bewildred as we walk through Gram's door. Asher bursts past his Grandmother and runs to the tree pointing..."Look Nonna, there it is! The Angel of Satan on top of the tree!"

???

?
♥♥
~♥~♥~
♥~♥~♥
~♥~♥♥~♥~
♥~♥~♥♥~♥~♥

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

[]

???

I turn to my (God fearing and Jesus loving mother) with a look of utter disbelief and I shake my head as I say, "Mom, do you have ANY idea what he is talking about?!"

My mother, equally surprised, catches her breath and pauses for a moment, then she says, "When Robin and the boys were here last week unpacking the decorations your sister came across the old Angel we used to put on top of the tree when you girls were little."

I cocked my head and said, "You mean the slightly singed Angel that used to light up? The one we cut the wires out of because it almost caught fire one year?"

Mom grinned and said, "Yes, that's the one. When Robin pulled it out of the box she looked at it and casually stated,

"Hey, there's the Angel from Hell that could have burned the house down!"

Apparently little Asher was listenening a little more closely than she realized.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

*I'm long overdue to visit all of you and catch up- hugs and thank you for checking in on me :)

Naughty Thanksgiving~ (again ;)

2009-11-23T10:33:00.002-05:00

I know I've posted this before- but enjoy :) (If any of you actually do this to your bird- please send me a pic- I would love to see it! I might give it a try this year :)
-

Ingredients:
1 whole chicken or turkey
1 large lemon, cut into halves
sprig of rosemary
salt and pepper to taste
butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer

Heat oven to 350 degrees

Rub butter or oil over the skin of the chicken/turkey until it is completely coated.
Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.

Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat;

Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on
each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts.

Place sprig of rosemary into the chicken/turkey.

Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue
to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes.

If you've followed these steps correctly, your chicken/turkey should
look like the one in the picture.

Bon Appetit!

LOL!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING !!!

;)

Thursday night~

2009-11-12T23:24:00.002-05:00

It's storming like mad...Ida is showing her backside as she moves north and east.

I have a fire in my fireplace, made BLT's for dinner, and had a sip (or 3) of diet pepsi and Sky.

Interesting how safe and warm I feel despite the storm that swirls around me.

The racoons probably feel less comfy- despite trying to be guests in the garage- Margaret would not hear of that (matron kitty of the house).

All the 'coons left (for evidence) were wet footprints...proof enough. Gus, however, is my buddy- and I wish him well on this stormy night. (Food is on the deck pal!)

Mom called me tonight...her heart beats too fast. The doctor made note of that fact today...but I knew it from spending a whole weekend with her. She wears out so quickly.

She said she was fine and just had a new med to add to her long list of pills, but I know what it all means...

Enjoy today. Enjoy the sound of the wind as it sweeps past you in your warm house. Love the creatures who wander upon your path. Tell your mom, or kids, or friends, or pets you love them.

The only life you can significantly change is your own. Be happy, or sour, longing , or content...in the end the game is all yours. You are responsible for your own happiness.

Sleep well tonight dear friends. I will- knowing especially that I have known what it is to be happy, and to be loved~

♥♥♥♥♥

23 million dollars~

2009-11-04T10:13:00.002-05:00

It's all yours. Think about it. 23 million to spend however you wish...
what would you do with it?
________________________________

As I began to write my list I thought of how I would help my family, and of setting up trust funds for all the kids close to me. I would give my mom a new home, or one attached to mine, and I would find someone to help me reshape my 40 yr old body :)

And I would travel. Travel everywhere. Plane, trains, cars, and boats!

But the first order of business should probably be to launch my company
"Mayden Gobal Communications". This would be the parent company of:

"Mayden Inspiration" (cards, stationary, inspirational items, etc),
"Mayden Heaven" (cookies, fudge, and goodies),
"Mayden USA" (scarves, baby hats, knitted blankets, and hand-made items by artists), and
a magazine/newsletter which would publish travel, restraunt, and hotel reviews, as well as promote the various branches of my company. I don't have a name for the magazine yet, although "Mayden's Voyage" might not be a bad idea :)

However, with all that said- I don't need 23 million to launch a company.
I just need to do it.

Hmmm~ what do you need/want to do?

A Question~

2009-11-04T00:06:00.001-05:00

Ok...can anyone explain to me why someone would spend $23 million (of his OWN money) to win a job that pays less than $150,000 a year? Seriously.
I can understand spending that kind of money to become the next President of the USA, but Gov of NJ??? What sort of kickbacks make that kind of investment worth the risk?
BTW- the investment did NOT pay off...

Halloween at my house :)

2009-11-01T21:34:00.005-05:00

envy

2009-10-28T20:57:00.007-05:00

In my verdant lush summer garden- I discovered several creatures who had taken up residence. Everything seemed to thrive in my green little corner, and I took a bit of delight in observing the frogs, plants, and 8 legged crawlers who had made a home in the space I cultivated for myself.

One spider in particular was a lovely brown fatty. She was in the process of ensnaring a fellow creature when I spied her. She was wrapping him up in a tight silky bundle for a lovely snack later. I watched her intently.

In an instant-- it occurred to me she was oblivious about such things as the BMI index, or how many grams of protein she could consume in a day, and I am fairly sure the idea of eating broccoli never crossed her mind.

She had NO idea how fat she was.

And for a moment I was jealous.

Jealous of a spider.

A Random Wednesday Post

2009-10-21T10:34:00.004-05:00

"If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that nine will run into the ditch before they reach you." -- Calvin Coolidge

It is possible tough, that the ONE trouble which finds you is a doozie and not to be underestimated.

Just sayin'~

Hope you all are having a good week! :)

And /t- a special note for you:

·(•°;o?§§¿o;°•)· & ·(•°;o?§§¿o;°•)· ;) ♥♥♥!

(where else in the whole wide world can a person flirt in code- except in this forum? :) (well, maybe if I was a spy??? Hmmm!:)

"Ode to K9" (love personified? :) Aug 06)

2009-10-16T22:57:00.004-05:00

--

Friends...on July 21st a duel was settled, and my heart was claimed by K9. As I face the end of our 30 days (Monday) - I will tell you he has indeed claimed it fully~

Dearest Pup, my Beloved, Smoochable One-

This is by my hand- and from my heart.
Painted upon the soul- in pigment that will not fade.

For you....

"Ode to K9"

Faithfulness personified…
Is all she ever wanted~
Lovers had claimed her treasured heart,
But left her soul quite haunted…

Promises made but never kept~
Mayden’s beating heart discarded…
Left alone in the bitter night…
Only wanting to be guarded.

A Wooing Poet, a Romantic Dandy,
Or a Rottie for her to choose…
Words alone, Wine, Gun, or Bone-
It seemed that Mayden couldn’t loose.

But the pooch prevailed…He wagged his tail,
Mayden loved him with all her heart-
Their 30 days have come and gone…
The Voyage ends, and they must part-

Though we laugh, and kiss goodbye,
And reflect on memories we shall keep-
Such love and joy will show itself,
In the tears that Mayden weeps~

Good bye sweet one…I love you so
And you know I always do-
In my home, my arms, and in my heart,
There is ever a place for you…

************

Farewell K9…thank you for everything- but mostly for your friendship, wisdom, and all the ways you made me feel special! Love you pooch! :)
I will EVER be YOUR Mayden In Waiting~

******SMOOCH*****
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

For K9- a companion piece for your Part 3 post~ :)

2009-10-16T10:59:00.004-05:00

"Steadfast and Devoted Attachment" ~ And a Winner...
(forgive my use the improper noun "He" :)

K9 was Fidelity Personified,
He knew no other way to live.
He simply loved the Mayden,
His allegiance was his pleasure to give.

The Detective- Beguiling and Charming,
Waxed long about being true,
About Harmony, Trust, and Alchemy,
And something about "Bondo" too~

But often he was discovered-
Chasing hoop skirts and ladies on the net...
On bended knees he proclaims adoration-
But Fidelity? Mayden is looking for it YET.

Boneman dared not try his pen,
Against 3 in a duel over One,
Yet Fidelity seemed a virtue he grasped,
If submitted- Perhaps he'd have won!

Part II
The Maydens View

The Sun and the Moon in their courses,
The deepest roots of the tallest tree-
Not for a moment do these elements falter,
This is "Fidelity" to me...

Ever working and ever waiting,
My thoughts alone belong to thee.
My heart (and flirtations) held in reserve for you,
This is "Fidelity" to me...

A Passion that burns and leaves it's mark
On my heart for the world to see~
Your words and mine- 2 joys combined,
This is "Fidelity" to me...
***********************************

Part III WINNER

The Contest is nearly over~
And I fear there's a tie for 1st place!
The Pooch and the Wine Glass have said it best,
And Percy too has run a good race!

However, Cosmo has turned up missing!
And so Pup- Wilt thou be mine???
I know you're a dog- but you are precious-
Rag shaker, morse code breaker....

K9!!!

K9~ if accepting...is the winner :)

Mayden says-----/GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

Part IV
A Loving Condolence...

Percy, you swayed and wooed me-
And your attraction can not be denied,
And if I told you it was easy to judge the 3,
Surely my friend-- then I would have lied!

But I saw how you eyed the lovely Miss Eyre,
And the Lady Wordsmith has captured you too-
And this Mayden feels it would be terribly unfair,
To Imprison a man such as you!

A kiss I give you as you go-
Your words have given me much to mull over...
And I hope after 30 days or so...
You might show me your Taurus Revolver??? ;)

LOL!
*smooch* to you Percy, and thank you for being the reason all of this took place to begin with! :)

Especially for K9 :) A Pup needs "Sunshine"

Good heavens...I LOVE that dog!!! :) Smooch to you friend, and finally, a rub on that belly!!! ;)

Treasure

2009-10-07T11:52:00.003-05:00

I discovered an old blue suitcase when we moved my mom earlier this year. It was a suitcase full of treasure. Not a kind of loot I could take to the bank, or sell at an auction...the kind of treasure that has no estimable dollar value. The kind of gold that makes your heart skip a beat- and then beat 3 times faster.

The kind of treasure which gives proof to all the stories you heard as a child.
-
I found a suitcase full of negatives.
-
Like any good treasure I had to sit for hours and sort though piles of stuff. Ages spent looking at one reversed image after another. My mom was born in 1950 and I had never seen a photo of her taken before 1953. My grandparents were, supposedly, mad and smoochy in love when they ran away to get married. Grandma was 17 and I think Grandpa was 19 or 20.

mom, summer 1950

Grandpa was in the service and they went to Hawaii when my mom was 8 or 9. I saw her grass skirt a long time ago, and held her Hawaiian baby doll with long black hair and dark skin when I was a small child. I think mom still has the Hawaiian baby doll, but many other things disappeared in the divorce, and in the 3 moves from the big house my family owned, before it too was lost. The old blue suitcase survived though.
-

There were images of my grandparents I had never seen before. I believe there are a few pictures of my great grandmother who was a half-blooded American Indian. (Blackfoot maybe?)
I will ask my mom if she knows who they are...but I have to wait. I'm presently having the negatives scanned ($5.00 each!) and then printed, and I am making a family album for my mom for Christmas.
-
I can be patient for a little bit longer, but if you want to know what I'm up to these days- here is a little glimpse.

It's my mom, on the big Island, in her grass skirt.
-
Talk about a treasure!

The Way to say No~

2009-09-30T13:52:00.006-05:00

After pre-school on Monday I picked up Asher (my 4 yr old nephew) and took him to the park for a picnic lunch. He'd had a wonderful day at school and was his normal chatty-happy-self. We talked non stop in the car on the way to the park and I learned some interesting things. For example, he told me what he wanted for Christmas:

A skateboard with a Pokemon animal catcher, and

A Robot that makes cotton candy :)

When we arrived at the park and sat down to have lunch we began talking about his school day. Apparently the music teacher was telling the kids about Sign Language and going over a few common words and how to make the motions. Asher's mom has been teaching him how to Sign since was was a baby, so the lesson was pretty easy for Asher as he knew several of the words already.

We talked about how to sign "I love you",

However, with Asher being a HUGE Spider Man fan, he explained to me that hand sign was also the way to sling a web ☺

Next we talked about the word "Yes", and how it looks as if one is knocking on a door. He agreed and we practiced the sign while knocking on the table and saying "yes- yes" who is it? lol

With a burst of enthusiasm he grinned at me and said, "Aunt Nonna, do YOU know how to say NO in Spanish???
_

I smiled at him and said, "Why don't you tell me?"
_

This is what he did...
-
-

I laughed so hard I almost fell off the park bench! I hugged him and said, "I think I love Spanish!"

I DEFINITELY love Asher!!!

The moment of transformation~

2009-09-24T12:45:00.004-05:00

"As they sang the hobbit felt the love of beautiful things made by hands and by cunning and by magic moving through him, a fierce and jealous love, the desire of the hearts of the dwarves.

Art by Chickory/K9 chickory.etsy.com

Then something Tookish woke up inside him and he wished to go and see the great mountains, and hear the pine-trees and the waterfalls, and explore the caves, and wear a sword instead of a walking stick. He looked out the window. The stars were out in a dark sky above the trees.

He thought of the jewels of the dwarves shining in dark caverns. Suddenly in the wood beyond the Water a flame lept up- probably somebody lighting a wood-fire - and he thought of plundering dragons settling on his quiet Hill and kindling it all to flames. He shuddered; and very quickly he was plain Mr Baggins of Bag-End, Under-Hill, again."

But of course the story does not end there~

I, myself, fell under the magic spell of Tolkien again this week. His words are transforming. I must be a close relative to Bilbo :) (My height and weight alone are almost proof!) Along with his desire for an adventure he also loves his comfy little home. As in my house the tea kettle is a friend, and my tomato garden is a sanctuary. I worry (yes, I do) over my plants when I'm gone for too long, and I fuss about someone making sure the racoons get fed every night. One of the coons, Gus, lets me pet him from ear to tail when he comes up to feed. His mother and brothers have seen me just as often, but still scurry away when I open the back door.

(and trust me, I have not forgotten my lesson from the chipmunk!)

I read Tolkien and something in me stirs. The volcano of words with in me have been fairly well dampened this summer with losses, and surgery, and once tiny kids sprouting into adults before my very eyes...but he wakens the fire. Thank goodness.

Both Lewis and Tolkien were favorite authors of mine as a child. Their stories take me back to a time where hiding in a book was a good way to avoid some unpleasant things- like a house full of kids, dirty diapers, an no air conditioning. What could be better than sitting under a big tree with Bilbo as my guide, or Lucy- and tromping through a forest towards a dangerous foe- all while living in the heart of an ever growing and busy city?

Someone asked me yesterday, "What is your passion? How do you make a difference?" The question was posed again in another form from one blogger to another...with an urgent message of "invest yourself in something that matters". The message was for me as much as it was for anyone.

Yes- I'm a mom, therefore the investment of myself has been in my children, but much like the tomato garden, the investment is paying out . They are almost grown and act accordingly (well, most of the time! lol) I'm almost grown too :) (and still struggling with acting accordingly!) The moment of transformation awaits, and the journey probably won't be a quick one, but aren't we all on a similar path in that regard? Some are just further along the path than others.

I expect to meet some ill tempered Dwarfs, and a shape-shifter or 2, and most likely I'll run into a beastly dragon with a clever sense of humor...but doesn't it sound wonderful all the same? Aren't the elves, and the treasure, and the friendships worth the peril?

I think so.

~I know so~

???

2009-09-21T16:48:00.005-05:00

Ever had a day where you wanted to curl up with a good book- and almost nothing else?

Well aside from playing with my 4yr old nephew, and picking up my daughter early from school, and cooking dinner...

I did sneak in an hour of reading in bed :)

Back soon~

2009-09-09T16:11:00.003-05:00

The words are brewing in my head again- finally...
But until they're ready- have some Veggie Beef Soup-
I call this one "Health in a pot"- (and it's not part of ObamaCare) grrrhhhhahahaha!

Some of my fresh tomatoes did end up in this- and it was DELISH!

3.5 years of blogging~

2009-08-18T21:51:00.007-05:00

And what it's taught me-

*Appearances aren't always what they seem.

*A blog-friend who connects with your heart is as real as your dog or cat.

*You will draw to yourself what you send out into the blogosphere.

*Some people will walk away because you lose your entertainment value.

*I didn't know I had entertainment value.

*Some will love you because of the way you smile.

*Some will take the time to find out if your smile is as real on the inside as it is on the outside, and so have I.

*Some bloggers will call or text.

*Some will give their mailing address.

*Some will send a surprise in the mail.

*Some will invite us into their homes.

*Some will show you a glimpse of their heart- when in day to day life they keep it very concealed.

*Some will lie.

*Some will take your thoughts and feelings hostage.

*Some will give much more in return than you ever invested- because you were honest and real...and those are rare gifts in this day and age.

*Art is created here, in this medium, like none other I've seen.

*Truth is revealed here, in this medium, in ways I've never experienced before.

*Loss- of a blogger's pet, or parent, or spouse...or the death of a blog friend, is as deep and painful as losing anyone in hug-space/meatspace/real life. If you haven't experienced this for yourself, if you stick around, you will.

*Movies your blog friends suggest will stay with you and will always make you think of them.

*Dishes you cook taste better if a blog friend sends you the recipe.

*Cookies you mail are more fun to send to blog friends than I ever dreamed possible.

*I cheer for my blog friends sports teams.

*Bloggers who whine are not fun.

*Bloggers who speak their mind frankly (and don't give a f*ck what others think- hat tip to JL4 and K9) encourage me. Always.

*Bloggers who take the time to write what they learn from a difficult situation, or how to cope with the hard things in life we must endure- are inspirational. Even when they fail.

*Actually, I've learned more from reading about failures in life than I have about winning, or success.

*The real spirit of a blogger will eventually show itself.

*Love in the blogosphere is real, and special, and I wouldn't trade it, or you, for anything the world has to offer.

I love my blog friends. How else would I have ever found any of you?

Things in my part of the world are fine, just busy with the kids going back to school next week. My mom's kidney function is down a little more, but she's in good spirits and I go back to the Kidney specialist with her late next week.

My laptop died in March/April and I finally got a new one- so Yeahhhhhh! Not having one has really stunk- and I'm happy to be all set up in my office again- and slowly restoring links, but it just takes time.

Hugs and be well friends. I'll be around for a visit soon! :)

A New Day~

2009-08-06T08:45:00.001-05:00

This is my wish for you:

Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, and Love to complete your life.”

-Author unknown

Transient~

2009-08-01T22:53:00.002-05:00

This is a re-post, in honor of a friend...
___________________________________________________

Recall with me, for a moment, how it feels to stand before something enormous--
Like the sea, when the beach is empty; or the sky at night full of stars over a quiet plain.

I stand- awestruck- at the vastness that I am trying to comprehend, and yet I know that I can not comprehend it. The enormity of the ocean, or sky, or mountainside, seems to fill up my being- as if these that take up so much space must claim my space as well.

My mind, especially when viewing the ocean, likes to use the word "nothing" to describe it, as in, "nothing but sand and water as far as the eye can see", but of course, it's NOT "nothing". It's actually everything, or everything at the moment. The sea is not empty, nor is the sky, nor are the mountains. And when standing before them they eclipse and absorb me too.

Is this the "something" in our life experience that prepares us for death?
When I think about death and the finality of it I have the same feelings as when I stand before the ocean...It's huge, it's enormous...it will, or can, swallow me.

I ponder death...I peer, though not too closely, because I am not able.
And even if I were able I'm still not sure I would; and what I think I can see is deceiving.
It seems tranquil and quiet, but I strongly suspect otherwise.

What I know of death is the same as what a person knows about the ocean from a photograph...or better still, what they don't know, what they can not see.
The vastness, the depth, all the huge and tiny things swimming just beneath the suface, things that one could never imagine, existing right there under the rippling blue green water.

One of my childhood friends died in 2000, she was 33.

She had battled cancer off and on since she was 12, and finally the treatment caught up with her. She passed into death, and when I saw her--in her casket-- this friend I had loved and laughed with, she was no longer there. What remained was a shell...her spirit was gone. She got caught up in the tide and was swept out, past the surf, past the big waves...way out there...where I can not reach her.

Sometimes I think of her and of all the things we learned together as children...and I wish I knew, or understood, what she knows now.

I stand at the shore and I feel so small. I stand under the midnight sky and I feel so tiny and insignificant...so transient.

Is it work, or family, or love that makes us feel more permanent and less temporary?

Or is it simply that we long for the country of our eternity...which is not here...and we will never feel as though we quite fit in because we are not supposed to?

I understand more this year about death than I ever have- and the one thing I do know is that love is greater than death and I take great comfort in that.

My love is never wasted.

It might be mis-understood, or not needed, or even unwanted...but it's never wasted. What I send out into the world, what I invest in others- comes back to me.

Death can not contain it, or stop it. I know that for certain...and I'm thankful.

You will be greatly missed JL4

A Coon Tale~

2009-07-31T15:30:00.004-05:00

Creature of bedtime stories,
Rarely seen in the light,
Sleeping all day in a hollow log-
Venturing out into the night.

Skeptical, but fearless,
The dark forest is your home,
Mine is at the edge of yours-
And lucky me, You Roam!

Curious and hungry,
You scout for vittles on that deck of mine,
And I'd say you aren't too picky-
'Cause the cat-food suits you fine!

A friend or theiving foe?
Ring-tailed cat or fox?
Leaves no dish unemptied,
Turns over every box!

And when I sneak upon you-
For I can not help to have a peek,
At times you pause to look at me too,
Then scamper away on tiny feet.

My dears- you are always welcome,
I will fill the bowls just right-
And I'll wait at the kitchen window,
For your enchanted visits every night :)

The Birds and the BEES

2009-07-17T00:00:00.002-05:00

"An advanced lesson- but less about the birds and more about the BEES!"

-The Honey Man ♥

I found myself one day last month with a Bee Keeper.

Not just any bee keeper... the "Honey Man" is a dear family friend who invited me to join him while he drove from one farm to another to check on his Apiary's (bee hives). He was preparing to gather honey.

I have known this particular bee keeper, "Mr. Tom", for over 20 years and we are related distantly by marriage. We spend time together almost every summer, and I normally see him during the Christmas holidays too. Well into his 70's- he's wise, careful, energetic, thoughtful, funny, and I've always admired his enthusiasm for life. Needless to say, I was impressed when he began telling me about his adventures in bee keeping a few years ago, and I indicated I would like to see his operation.
My request was granted one day in June.

Now first let me say that I am not particularly frightened of bees, although I have a "healthy" fear of them...they do have stingers after all. Some people are terrified of the little buzzing creatures, but I'm not. Snakes are a different story.

The 45 minute drive to Mr. Tom's house was gorgeous. The landscape was of green fields full of corn, soybeans, and tobacco. Loblolly pines, Mimosas, Oak , Hickory, and Elm trees stand together undisturbed on the edges of the growing fields. I always marvel of the breathtaking beauty of North Carolina near the peak of summer. Cool streams, gorgeous blue skies, stately trees whose age I can only guess, and bountiful crops which bear the fruit (and veggies) of the labor of men. I wondered "Could heaven be more lovely than this?"

Upon arrival we wasted no time going to the first set of Bee Hives.

This is not the actual Bee Hive, my camera died, but this looks almost exactly like the ones we were dealing with!

Under a shady grove of trees, with no extra apparel (meaning no hat, no gloves, no mesh protection of any kind) Mr. Tom set about the delicate task of taking the lid off the first hive, with his smoker in hand, and began inspecting it. Within a distance of 60 feet or so there were 4 active hives and at any given moment we were surrounded by no less than 300 bees flying around, but none seemed interested in what we were up to.

Mr Tom moved with confidence and skill. At no time did he flinch when a bee landed on him. He simply brushed it away and continued on with his work of checking the Super and pulling out the wooden slats inside to check the honey and to see if it was properly sealed. Honey which is completely sealed by the bees will last over 100 years (or more) and never spoil.

It was an amazing process. He showed me what the baby drones looked like, and the difference between them and the worker bees. The worker bees are all female, the drones are all males and their only job is to mate with the Queen. Wonder of wonders, he was even able to show me the Queen in one hive which is usually difficult to do. Even I, a lay person in such matters, was able to spot her when he pulled out the slat she was on. I took it as a good sign.

The average hive has 5,000 to 20,000 bees inside! When the smoke is pumped into the hive the bees make a sound akin to a massive vibration. It's hard to describe the sound, but it's not a noise I will ever forget. The smoke is meant to calm the bees, which it does, but the noise they make made me wonder if we wouldn't get swarmed, but alas, we did not.

I stood next to Mr. Tom most of the time. His confidence boosted my own and before I knew it I was helping him smoke the bees, inspecting the honey slats, and over all having a remarkable hands on learning experience. A few bees landed on me and I simply brushed them away.

The last 2 or 3 hives we visited were on another piece of land up the road a mile or 2. These bee hives were in direct sunlight and the bees seemed to be a tad more aggressive than the ones we had been dealing with earlier. No matter, the Honey Man and I moved in, got the smoker ready, and began inspecting the hives.

I was fearless. I was helping. Then the owner of the property arrived with his wife to see how things were going. They kept their distance, noting their fear of being stung. I just smiled and said. "Thing were going well so far!"

Within a few minutes of my confident statement the Honey Man was stung on the ear! He pulled out a can of "Hot Shot Wasp Spray" from the back of his truck and sprayed the tip of his ear after I removed the stinger. I'm not sure what's in "Hot Shot" that takes the sting out, but it seemed to work. Mr. Tom barely paused before returning to the hive, and I returned with him.

Unfortunately a few minutes later one little bee got a tad too friendly under the brim of my visor, and as I tried to brush him away-

He stung me...right on the tip of my nose!

Needless to say it must have seemed like I was praying because the first words out of my mouth were, "Jesus! It stung me!!!" The pain was unlike anything I ever expected. My eyes began to water profusely, and while I wanted to rub my nose, (which was also watering!) the stinger had to be removed first, which the Honey Man did very quickly. Next he grabbed his can of Hot Shot- and my first thought was "Wait, I have asthma...what's in that can of chemicals?"- but honestly at that moment I'd have let him douse me in toxic waste if it would help the pain.

He sprayed some of the foam on his fingertips, graciously, and applied it to my nose. It did help. I don't recommend anyone using the stuff on their face, but it helped- what else can I say?

It took about 10 minutes for the awful throbbing in my nose, and for my eyes to stop running (NO, I was not crying! :), but as soon as I could see clearly again I went right back to the hive of the offending bee (but this time with the mesh hat on) and finished helping with the job at hand.

I figured if you have to get back on a horse as soon as you fall off of it, the same must be true of handling bees...mindful that I've never been stung by a horse before!

Aside from a minor headache and funny numbly feeling in my upper gums, I was fine. I couldn't even tell where I had been stung, but trust me, I could feel it!

Of course the reward came later the next week when I went back to Oxford to help process the honey from the comb, which was a sweeter and less dangerous adventure, but an adventure all the same. From all the hives Mr. Tom owns or operates he gathered several gallons of honey, which he sells for $10.00 a pint, and I assure you it's worth every cent! It's even worth getting stung, but I'm probably the only one who thinks so! :)

As you can see, from a photo of me at the beach the following week, my nose is fine.

And if you want some honey- send me an email, I know exactly where to get it :)

Anesthesia~ the foggy land between here and there...

2009-07-11T20:43:00.006-05:00

For good reasons, which I don't care to explain in detail, I arrived at the hospital on Friday morning for an outpatient (gyn/girl stuff) surgical procedure.

General anesthesia was required because the procedure is rather painful, but luckily the recovery time is fairly quick. I was nervous. Very nervous. I don't scare easily, and while there was nothing to really be afraid of...it was personal and private- and strangers were going to see parts of me that I don't expose to the general public. "Sigh...I know, I know"- those Dr.'s and nurses see it all the time, but they don't see ME all the time. It wasn't an issue of pride, it was an issue of modesty. Well, mostly.

I suppose in this era of pantiless Paris Hiltons and wardrobe malfunctions my feelings might be a tad old fashioned, but they are my feelings (and body) after all. I also suppose that if I were shaped like Paris I might not mind being so exposed...but I'm not. Really NOT.

Anyway.

Once I was being prepped for my IV- I asked if someone could hook me up to a large Mojito, as this usually seems to help me with modesty issues :) I was informed that the mint leaves tend to clog up the plastic tubing in the IV line, at which point I said I would be happy to chew on the mint leaves if that would help. It was 8am and whether the OR crew was glad to have a patient with a sense of humor...or were concerned I was a lush- they promised the IV drugs would be better than a Mojito. They were true to their word.

I remember nothing between the moment they slipped the oxygen mask over my face and the moment I awoke in a good deal of pain, wondering if someone had left me alone with wild monkeys who poked me in the gut. Yeooowwwch!

The staff did all they could to manage the pain, but what couldn't be managed was my mind. I've had some interesting experiences with pain meds after surgery (hallucinations) but anesthesia seems to open some strange closet doors I have in my head. (no monsters though, because I have only ever know the friendly kind!)

While in the OR recovery room I thought (dreamed) I was sitting at my desk. Someone walked up to me and asked me for a pen or pencil, of which I have many, and with my left hand I was searching my desk drawer for the writing instrument. However, when I opened my eyes (because I couldn't find anything) I was merely reaching around under the sheets of the OR bed and pulling on the metal bar at my side. Thankfully no one seemed to notice. They did notice when I tried to pull the blanket over my head, but I have no idea why I did that. Maybe I was looking for a Mojito? lol

Once they moved me to the regular recovery room I drifted in and out of consciousness. At one point (and in a great deal of pain) I felt like I needed to find some information about the procedure I had just gone through. I was standing with a group of medical students who were looking at a wall (trying to read) which was covered in Latin. I stood there for a long time looking at the wall. Some of the words I understood and some I needed to copy into a note book. When I woke up (probably looking for a note book) I was in bed looking at the BARE wall of my recovery room. I was rather disappointed.

I probably had 10 or so of these dreams/visions, or commercials, in my head during the time of my recovery- but unfortunately I can't remember them. I do recall some were worrisome to me...dreams where I had forgotten something important, or I failed to do a vital task, or I was lost- or worse, one of my children were lost. I would wake up in a panic and then have to remind myself that it was just a dream...just a dream Cora.

I didn't have the presence of mind to relay what I had seen, not that any of it would have been coherent or logical. The next time I need surgery though I am going to ask whomever is with me to stand near me and listen to what I say and ask me questions to validate and/or record what I'm thinking. Who knows, there might be a story in there!

I'm home and resting now. I am definitely over the worst part of the pain issues, but still struggling with feeling a bit green. I think by Sunday afternoon I will feel almost normal again. I hope so~

Tomorrow my plans are to listen to the Golden Ganesh (I can hardly wait!!!) and read a great many blog posts which I have missed. Thank you for your thoughts and hugs- both past and present. I look forward to catching up with you all very soon <3>

(PS- any and all "Post-op" stories you have to share are most welcome! :)

Watching you...

2009-06-29T11:17:00.004-05:00

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. Rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

- Unknown

This spoke to me on many levels when I read it a few days ago. Some relationships end not so much because someone walked out, but because we became distracted, or injured, or simply lost- in the process of survival.

When I consider my kids, almost 14 and 16, and the choices I would make in the following 4 years at their age- it almost makes me breathless. And if I think of my mom, (who did her best, but did NOT do this), taking me by the shoulders and saying "YOU ARE TOO YOUNG!" I am bewildered by what I know my reaction would have been...stubborn and sure of my self..."I'm an Adult!!!"

Hardly.

Even now, at 40, I'm still a tad breathless and bewildered. (understatement) I look back over a list, though short, of relationships/friendships that have ended for whatever reason, and I can't help but ache over what I had hoped for.

I found a card yesterday as I was cleaning out the garage, it was from a blog friend who had sent it back in 2006. He died very unexpectedly a few months later. Suddenly I was overcome with a deep wave of regret and sadness. I had never met him, never spoken to him over the phone, but we loved to write to each other and I cherished his words to me, and he never failed to tell me how thankful he was to have met me- via our blogs.

He was a great deal like the older brother I never had and I honestly miss him. The ending of that relationship, because of death, led me to understand a few things I had not understood before, and in truth, even though he is gone- the relationship is not over. I fully believe he wanted me to find his card again yesterday, which I kept with me in my car for over a year after he died, to give me a little "hug" of sorts. To remind me that love exceeds the boundaries of time and space.

There is power in our written words, especially words we take the time to write on paper with pen or pencil and drop in the mail, or leave on a door step. The hand written letters of my Grandfather and Great Grandfather are worth more to me than any amount of money.

There are also letters I wish now I had not written. Letters penned in haste, or in a moment of passion, which I hope are now burned or buried in a trash pile. Though I do not posses those letters, my mind recalls the foolishness of my bubbling heart, or the brokenness my pen revealed in a puddle of heart ache and tears on paper.

I ache today, from the inside out. A physical issue plagues me at the moment (however, an outpatient surgery should manage it- scheduled for July 10th- keep me in your thoughts) and for some reason I find myself reflecting on love and losses in the past. I look ahead quickly for signs of hope- and I know they are there- but my climb over the next hill just feels a bit steep.

I hope to return soon- and I miss you all. I'm working on a post about a day last week which I spent with a Bee Keeper and about 100,000 bees... and I only got stung once!

Hugs and love- be well- all of you~

Pep Talk

2009-06-08T09:55:00.003-05:00

"Spirit of Justice"

My son and I have been trying to focus on positive things in the morning before school- especially in the recent weeks with exams and tight schedules seeming to squeeze the life out of us.
He was dreading one particular class where he has a problem with students being nasty towards him, and I was telling him to "Choose the course of your day!" and "Promise me you won't let the bad behavior of a few kids ruin everything!" "Claim this day- it's yours!!!"
He smiled at me in my rear-view mirror.

When he exited the car and I started to pull away, in my zealous nature, I lowered my window and shouted out to him a thought which had popped into my head (without thinking)...

"Don't let the Bastards Get You Down!!!"

Quite a few eyebrows were raised by fellow parents who were also dropping their kids off this morning...

Sigh. I am pretty sure I will never be asked to serve on the PTA at his school.

True story.

"Her"story

2009-05-19T10:30:00.007-05:00

(this will be my last post for awhile...but I send my best to each of you~K9, Kate, Rox, Skunk, libby,Bad Bob, /t, SJ, Foamy, Luxie, NYD, X-Dell, Bardouble, and others who read and love me...I love you too <3)

She sat on the river bank looking West towards the only home she had ever known. It was perfect there. A place without want, or care, or pain. Cool water splashed around her feet while the sun above burned her exposed arms and scalp. The burning was yet a new sensation, and it wasn't pleasant.

Sitting there alone, with time to think about the way her life had unfolded, she was instantly filled with remorse and sadness. Tears welled up in her eyes again and ran down her cheeks. For long moments she simply sat there and wept until her inner well was dry. A gentle breeze ran it's fingers through her hair and left a tingle on her shoulder. As the grief lessened she slipped into the river and splashed cool water on her face and was refreshed. The water was sweet and clean, and except for the sharp stones which jabbed her feet when she moved, the river reminded her of the blissful years she'd spent in her first home. A home where fruit hung heavy on every tree, the grass and fields were free of rough pebbles, and the animals on the farm knew no fear.

Her present home was less pleasant, harsh actually, in comparison to the life she'd once lived, but not unbearable. In this new life she still had access to everything she needed, but she had to work hard for it. Nothing came easy now. Pleasure was almost always accompanied by some amount of pain. She exchanged a life of ease for a life of information, and there seemed to be no shortage of things to learn and things to do.

Before now she had never known fear, anger, jealousy, or an ache in her lower back from the toil of the fields. Her thoughts had once been pure because all that surrounded her was pure. Her life had been filled with love and goodness, but not many choices. She had one choice actually, to obey, or not. The flowers in her first garden did not resist growth. The animals on the farm always came when she called them. The fruit trees always bore their crop, no one had to compel them to do so, and it was the same with her. She had no reason to disobey, until the one fateful day when she was asked the simplest of questions, "Did he really say...?"

She played the encounter over and over again in her head. If only she had refused. If only she had said no. If only she had heeded the warning given to her... but alas, when presented with a choice, even though it was deceptive, she chose her own will. Her choice brought her knowledge, but knowledge came (as it often does) with a heavy price.

Years would pass and she lived always within sight of her first home, but could not return to it. She created a new home, though not as lovely, but every aspect of the dwelling had her touch. The mats on the floor, and the drinking gourds, as well as the flowers in her hair were each chosen by her and she took great pride in making her dwelling a home for her husband and children.

It was a good life. A life with seasons of dedicated work and seasons of harvest. A life with a mix of birth and death, of beauty and of murder, a life where love was even more brilliant in juxtaposition to grief. She marveled at all she had learned. From the way a tiny seed could grow into a tall tree, to the way a moment of passion could plant new life within her- and bring her joy and agony like nothing else in all of existence.

Perhaps, within the confines of her first home her body would have aged more gracefully? Maybe the lines of age etched around her eyes and across her brow would be less if she had never known the pain of mistrust, or the screeching pangs of labor while giving birth? Perhaps her life would be shortened because of one choice made ages ago? She would never know.

What she did know was the strength of her own body and a powerful will to survive. She understood her limits, as well as her ability to surpass those limits when it was required. There was no end to the things she could learn, or love, as well as no end to often painful discoveries.

She had walked with God, spent time with the devil, opted for the freedom to choose her own will, and felt the sting of regret as well as the healing balm of forgiveness.

She had eaten from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Her eyes were indeed opened and she understood the painful, yet enlightening, results from that choice. She would endure death, but she had also lived a full life with experiences both common, and uncommon.

When her days were reaching an end and she could no longer walk in the fields she had tended, or swim in the streams which refreshed and renewed her, she asked to be taken to her own private garden, one she had created with her own hands. There she lay on a mat, under the shady branches of a big tree near her gorgeous flowers, and waited. Would Adam join her in her final moments? Would a serpent stray into her garden for one last bite?

At last, in the hours before the sunset, He came to her. He strode through her garden and smiled at her as He once did many years before. With new strength she stood to greet Him and felt no fear or pain. She knew, inspite of the agony she had caused and the grief released into the world, He was coming to take her home, and she was ready to go with Him.

Taking her by the hand and looking into the aging face of His daughter Eve, he asked her about the life she had lived outside of Eden. With the honesty of a child, because nothing more and nothing less is required, she said, "Lord, I know of pain and of death, of mercy and of forgivness. I've known purity and I have known sin. I know of ease, and of toil. I know of life, and I know of loss. I now understand the life you wanted to give me, but I chose a different path along with the brutal, yet often beautiful, knowledge that came with it. Above all, being in your presence yet again, I understand love."

With unspeakable grace and tenderness, He asked her, "Daughter, do you have any regrets?"

A flood of memories and feelings swept over and through her. In an instant she thought of Adam, and her children, and of the hundreds more who came, or would come, because of her. In that same instant quick flashes of joy and heartache were recalled. Moments of humility, grace, guilt, impatience, peace, gentleness, anger, despair, hope, love...every emotion she had ever felt visited her in the span of a heartbeat.

The question hung in the air like a hummingbird at his favorite flower.

Eve looked up at her Father, and said quietly, "Lord, I have none."

He smiled at her and took Eve home to a place she would never have to leave again.
She had made her final choice, and He saw that it was good.

CRB/ 5-21-2009

What mom's and teachers have in common...

2009-05-10T19:58:00.002-05:00

Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.

-Mark Twain

Life, death, time...love

2009-05-04T11:13:00.010-05:00

I dug a grave last weekend. It was a first for me.

My old cat was exactly that- OLD. I noticed early this year his weight dropping and his hearing appeared to be diminishing. For weeks he went through a phase of either running out in front of my car as I tried to leave the garage, or failing to get up when I pulled into the drive way. His once muscular and stocky body was becoming thin and frail. I changed his diet, added olive oil to his food, and fussed over him a bit more than usual. He loved the attention, but his health did not improve in the slightest.

On Saturday he collapsed following a week of steady decline. Ignoring food and water, and then falling over while taking care of business...I knew it was time to call the vet. I'd been saying goodbye all week and part of me wonders if he hung on as long as he did because of those extra rubs behind his ears. As sick as he was he still purred when I scratched his head and would stretch out a little as I started to withdraw my hand- as if to say- "Please don't stop". When it was time to go my husband and son, with tears in their eyes, took Kramer to the vet and were with him when he passed. I stayed home, got the shovel, and began to dig a hole. I would spend his final moments preparing a place for him to rest.

I discovered as I dug his grave that grief is somewhat lessened (or the edge is taken off) by the act of physical labor. Grief, if fully given into, is much like a sponge and can absorb energy. Having a somewhat mindless physical job to do gave me a sense of purpose. I knew this would be my last task for Kramer.

I thought about men and women ages before me who dug graves to bury their spouses, or worse, their own children; but how it might have created a connection between the temporal and the eternal, between the earth which would hold a physical body, and heaven which held the soul of the deceased. I suddenly understood (though my example pales in comparison to losing a family member) what it meant to stand at a grave and look heavenward with a once living and breathing loved-one beneath my feet and my eyes/heart searching for the spirit of the person which death can not contain. It was a powerful moment for me.

As the grave deepened I marveled at the properties of soil and it's ability to absorb death, and to promote life. It gives, and it takes.

I needed help to finish the grave, and once Tim returned from the Vet's office we finished it together. We cried and we laughed as we worked. Finally it was time for me to put my dear old cat in a box and place him in the spot we had prepared for him. I gently put the box in the bottom of the grave, put 3 good sized stones on top of the box, and then filled in the hole. It was finished.
-

I wondered if we, as a society, miss something valuable in the process of laying a loved one to rest by turning over disposal of the body to professionals? I could have allowed the vet to take Kramer's body and burn it, but in the resolution of his passing I would have missed something profound.
-

He died in the presence of those who loved him, and was buried by hands who had always taken care of him. I ached because he suffered. I wept because he died. When I placed a pot a pansies on his grave site I took a deep breath and felt the purest sense of peace.

Rest well old friend~

My Secret Garden (well, not so secret :)

2009-04-29T21:28:00.005-05:00

I made a little corner for me_
a place where I could work, and think, and breathe~

A place for Thai basil-

and purple flowers too~

A place for a secret path-

And a glimpse of "me" too~

Not every thing is to be explained~

2009-04-22T10:52:00.009-05:00

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science."

-Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

Courtesy of NASA

Sigh- I adore this view~

(of Atlantic Beach,NC- looking at the Sheraton pier)

A little boy with a baseball...and passion- makes me think of someone I love.

cool clouds on a hot evening

Something is hiding here~

A tree which has captured my unworthy heart

I miss July and it's oppressive heat...

like I never have before.

I love this...

2009-04-13T20:26:00.004-05:00

"There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills."

- Buddha

The same is true about the "doubt of oneself"- of our ability, and power, and presence.
Ahh...
And the doubt that our love, extinguished or burning brightly, makes a difference. It does, and it did~ Always.

Hugs!

(Thank you Foamy and Rox for your comments below- I removed the post...said what I needed to say and hopefully the eyes which Fate intended to see it- did. <3 )

Stuff~

2009-04-09T16:08:00.003-05:00

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion.
I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

-Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

Monday I injured my back- ouch.

Tuesday I went to see a Dr (just a sprain- but dang it hurt!) and Dad called to tell me he was getting married the day after my birthday in May.

Wed I had to see a physical therapist (she was very helpful)

Thursday my son had oral surgery to have 4 wisdom teeth removed.

It's been a busy week.

Recovery and laughter are the orders for the day... and the weekend!

500th Post~ "Good Things" :)

2009-03-29T20:14:00.010-05:00

Almost a "mute monday"-
but not quite~

Home again :)

Scroll- Review- Delete?

2009-03-24T20:07:00.006-05:00

It's so easy to hide these days.

Drop out, walk away, change the number, delete the email- the address- and the unwanted messages. The only finger prints left are the ones on your heart, and no one is dusting for those.

Grow up, out- grow your up bringing, wiggle out of a dead skin or super-moisturize the old one, but there is no re-incarnation of this particular flesh. One has to die first. One has to expire and let go. I use to think there was such a thing as second chances, but now I see we're just taken to another "on ramp" a little farther down the highway and let loose to run again...until yet another breather, or re-fill, is necessary.

I've wandered around in different time zones, written deep thoughts on strange horizions, and cursed the mundane of the local Food Lion. I'd rather go to Whole Foods, but is it because it's so much better (well, yes- it is better) or because it's out of the norm??? I don't know. Maybe I just like being around people who seem different from me...Gay, green, super educated, homeless? (just a rumination here)

My wings are clipped. For now. I accept it.

I tried being "out there", I tried hiding, I tried being what I thought he/she/they wanted me to be...I failed. Lol. In one of my journal entries I actually wrote, "The brutal truth of this situation is that I failed to BE ME."

Me-

Who am I anyway? Does it depend on who you ask? Or on what you know? Hmm~

Someone from my past called me today to tell me "I love you". Based on a long relationship, a long time ago, filled with letters, in-depth conversations, and heart-felt words. I've missed that kind of connection in my life, yet, I've had little time for it. My commitment to this person has changed, as has my heart about many things...and I'm unsure how to express that to my friend- who I also love very much. There is a great possibility for rejection once the truth is known. Saddly- I've avoided this person for that very reason.

There are standards set I can not reach. There are expectations I can not meet. Like many others I know- I feel like I've been asked to build the Ark with Lincoln Logs, or the great Pyramid with legos. I don't have everything I need to produce the expected end result, not that I haven't tried. Oh- yes...I've tried.

We all try. We all fail. We don't fail all the time, mind you, but this is what we all have in common- more often than not- where we connect is in our mistakes, in our losses, in our struggles.

I've hidden. I've dropped out. I've also been dropped- and it hurts. This year I don't have the painful distractions I had last year (and I am thankful), but nor do I have the drama that kept me from looking too closely at some of the deeper truths I uncovered- which can not be changed, undone, or deleted.

(Bone, if you find the application on the Blackberry which does that...let me know~)

Peace as I scroll through stuff. Lots of stuff...

Mayden Wondering,or Wandering...not sure which~

2009-03-23T11:24:00.010-05:00

" I think people don't place a high enough value on how much they are nurtured by doing whatever it is that totally absorbs them."

-Jean Shinoda Bolen

What absorbs you?

I got a Blackberry over the weekend- I'm feeling a tad absorbed, and overwhelmed by it- LOL :)
The camera's not bad~ :)

A Tale of Winter Love~

2009-03-06T16:33:00.004-05:00

After tomorrow, he'll be gone-
All will vanish except for his knowing smile and perhaps a trace amount of vegetation.
I've only seen him a few times, but he makes me feel happy inside. He puts a grin on my face and reminds me of joyful moments lived long, long ago.

His cool demeanor is just for show. A hug from him might seem stiff, or even frosty, but I assure you- he's the real deal. Not a heart of ice, but rather a heart made with laughter, giggles, and little angel hands which gave their all- including wishes to hear him say, "Salutations!" :)

I know it will be a long time before someone like him greets me again. I felt a twinge of sadness in knowing our parting will be soon, and for an extended period of time.
He's special, especially in these parts.

It's always a pleasure to see him...
but perhaps something of a pleasure to also see him go?

;)

~Time Out~

2009-02-23T21:46:00.002-05:00

I'm swamped for now-
Back in March :)

"I'll never fall in-love again" REDUX (kudos to /t <3 )

2009-02-19T22:06:00.002-05:00

Hope you enjoy this one Libby :)

This is a different video, same song :)

A kiss! The word is sweet...

2009-02-17T11:44:00.006-05:00

A kiss, when all is said, - what is it?

A pledge properly sealed, a promise seasoned to taste,

A vow stamped with the immediacy of a lip,

A rosy circle drawn around the verb 'to love.'

A kiss is a message too intimate for the ear,

Infinity captured in the bee's brief visit to a flower,

Secular communication with an aftertaste of heaven,

The pulse rising from the heart to utter its name on a lover's lip: 'Forever.'"

-Cyrano

♥~♥~♥

~ Valentines Day ~

2009-02-14T10:03:00.005-05:00

This is a re-post, but seemed fitting for today-

This morning, in a Hardee's restaurant, I stood in line behind an elderly couple placing an order. The lady told the cashier what they wanted and the gentleman paid for breakfast. Their 2 little biscuits and coffee cost $3.79.

As he opened his wallet to take out his cash, he pulled out a $50 bill in Mexican money (Pesos?) turned his head, and grinned at me. He said, "They won't take this stuff"- and I smiled and replied, "No, I don't think they will". After he paid, he turned to me again and took out a bill I didn't recognize. As he showed it to me he said- with an even bigger grin, "They won't take this either!" I asked him where it was from, he answered, "The Soviet Union". I laughed and said, "Well, you are just loaded aren't you?" He laughed too- and then shuffled off to follow his wife to their table.
I placed my order next. As I waited at the counter I turned to watch the elderly couple and I caught them at the exact moment they held hands, lowered their heads, and gave thanks for their food. Tears welled up in my eyes immediately. A thousand thoughts and feelings swept over me as I stood watching. I didn't know the human brain could process so many thoughts and feelings in such a tiny span of time, but it did. In a matter of seconds I went from thinking about my chicken biscuit to getting weepy over a couple of old folks who were merely doing what they've probably done for 50 years or more. It was beautiful.

I wondered about their life and I secretly wanted to interview them. However, that would have been a distraction for me because what was at the root of my tears had nothing to do with the life they've led, and everything to do with my own. I realized, with all my heart, I wanted an investment in another person that would pay out this kind of gold in my old age.

I want more than love, and passion, and adoration- I want *Nirvana. I want the finished product at the end of my life to be whole and unbroken- I want to be saturated and satisfied. I want the kind of bliss I saw this morning between 2 old people holding hands and giving thanks for their simple breakfast.
I think today, for the first time in my life, I saw the PRIZE. I saw it for what it really is and I feel utterly inept in trying to describe it. Even now as I sit here typing -the tightness in my throat and the tears on my cheeks are all I have to express how I feel.

I was called away and didn't get to ask the couple any questions, but I didn't need to. Sometimes the facts of a matter ding or tarnish the patina of feelings or sentiment. I didn't want anything to spoil what I was thinking and feeling- so I am at peace about not having the history of their life. (Although, if I ever see them again, I will ask :)

The Prize, exactly as I saw it this morning is Unconditional Love, both the giving and receiving of it. I'm aware Unconditional Love is different things to different people. For some of us it simply means keeping our word. For others it means giving up an organ, or taking care of another until the bitter end. The form of such love isn't universal, but the nature of it, how it makes us feel, and the way it sustains us- THAT is universal.

Having seen the Prize I know what to strive for. I realize I've experienced it a few times in my life- although often it seems fleeting - I'm determined to keep asking and reaching for it. At the same time I believe I must give it away freely before it will come back to me in abundance.

"Love" is one thing. "Unconditional Love" is something else entirely... I wish it for all of us.

Happy Valentines Day friends.

"Brown"

2009-02-08T14:40:00.013-05:00

My vision is altered, changed-
No longer can I see
The perfect simplicity
Of Black and White

Even the color of love,
Once a cotton-fluff-shade-of pink ♥
Is splattered with the intense purple of passion,
And smeared with drops of Crimson

As if the Secret doors, or-
The curtain behind which Oz is hiding-
Have all been opened,
Or pulled back.

~Nothing is quite what it seems~

The light of each day surrenders to the dark,
Birth is not painless
Love is often complicated
Our Golden-life-giving Sun causes cancer

Opposite sides of the same coin
Are both seen at once-
My mind is barely pliable
Enough to grasp the harsh truth
Behind each reality.

I wonder though, if my altered sight is an improvement or a deterioration?

Much as a scuba diver drops into a world of watery filled light- with visibility in sharp decline to the surface above, and yet, a whole new world appears before him.

Eyes adjust, new discoveries are made with whatever light is possible.
Reflective patterns on spotted fishes and Orange coral are only to be seen with a mask and in the liquid murky depths of the sea.

The experience will change the diver, but did his vision improve because of the experience?
I only know the ocean will never look the same to him again.

They say with age comes wisdom.
These days I mostly feel befuddled.

The colors I associate with life have begun to run-
The vibrant oil paints have become watercolors.

Blue bleeds into red = purple streaks-
Yellow washes into Blue = green flourishes.
All the colors of the rainbow drip on to the floor...
There are NO shades of Gray,

I see Muddy Brown.

The questions and answers,
Myths, truth, illusions, and reality-
All exist is this most earthy of shades...
the color of soil, and seeds, tiny birds, and swollen rivers.

Gone are the days of Black and White.

-CRB 11-30-2008

Love...

2009-02-02T23:18:00.000-05:00

I promise- you can not believe how funny this is!

2009-01-31T14:20:00.004-05:00

I went to bed having seen a beautiful sunset last night, and my good friend was close by, but there's an element of sadness I feel which I've been having trouble getting away from. It's been a hard year full of tough things- some very private, and some I've been public about. This morning as I watched the tide roll out with the sunrise I was determined to focus on the positive things in my life and not let the ache take hold of my heart today.
4 things happened-

First, a beloved friend sent me the funniest off the wall text I've gotten in ages. There was no way at all my friend could have known how much I needed to laugh at that EXACT moment- and kept me laughing most of the morning.

Second, my girlfriend kept up the hilarity at breakfast as we created our "Anti-Cross Pollination Manifesto". Don't ask what it means- only we understand it and will probably go to our graves with it's secrets firmly tucked in our bra's, or something ;)

Third, I actually had time to visit with some of you- which was wonderful- and I'm not done making my rounds.

Fourth, this video. It is honestly one of the funniest things I've seen in ages. I cried (from laughing) when I watched it. LOL-
Probably because it reminds me of my own life.

So far, what could have been a difficult day, has turned out rather well. Not perfect, but good, and the day is not over yet...I'm going to mix up a Martini VERY soon ;) Too bad you won't get to see any of that on video- but I do have an appearance to keep up! lol

Sunsets should be shared~ Crystal Coast NC

2009-01-30T22:50:00.007-05:00

It was a warm day on the coast for this time of year- almost 60 today.
I'm at the beach again...my happy place. I worked hard all week (painting and hanging wall paper in a house close to the beach), and I intend to take this weekend one minute at a time and enjoy all of them-

This was the view which awaited me when I went for a walk this afternoon on the shore.

I never fail to be stunned by the sunsets here in the winter. It's crazy beautiful, and so few people see them. Lately I'm of the mindset that Glory often shows itself when almost no one is looking. The few of us who do catch a glimpse of it are scrambling for their cameras- or simply soaking it in.

I consider myself lucky to have been here, with my camera, to share these with you.

(and why not a shot of the photographer too? hmmm? :)

I will be coming round shortly for visits and to catch up with you all. I have missed you.

A reflection-

2009-01-22T19:45:00.005-05:00

How well I remember the RUSH...
Reading you made me blush- and
Made me laugh, made me cry-
Made me wonder Where and Why?

How else would our paths have crossed?
I'm Startled by how much I would have lost-
If I had never risked the words-
NOT writing- now- seems absurd

Little pearls are what you are-
You burn in me like glowing stars.
You made your marks, took your place-
None will ever be replaced.

Three years ago I took a dare-
And look at all who've responded with care.
I took a journey, only to find a haven...
In friends who paused to read the Voyage of Mayden.

Those who have touched me:
A wise and brave man who became a cherished friend-
A Ph D who always makes me think
A Dog, who I thought was a dude, who is as a beloved sister as any I have- and her art is everywhere in my home
Another sister- across the sea in the South Pacific- whose name means Light.
A fellow Conservative who got one of my first scarves
A wonderful artist who I love to send fudge too- and couldn't last year...but who knows what 09 will bring ? :) (I so adore you Ted!)
A friend whose soul was broken by death and grief- who opened her heart and home to me...you are a sister too.
A Foming Moan- who is strong and gives courage through her understanding
An artist whose lake/mountain scene hangs in my home
A fuzzy Lamb and a puggy dog
A poet who stole my heart-
An Aussie I admire
A sweet lovely woman who sent me books in the mail- and I needed them!
A former solider who likes to cook, and likes things HOT, and loves his wife, dogs, and family :)
A solider I met, but can't find anymore.
A woman of many names- Pink and Red were some
A Monster who came for a visit from the land of the Rising Sun, and his image still hangs on my wall over my desk. I miss you Scary Monster :)
A former New Yorker also in the Land of the Rising Sun...who left a message on my cell phone once and I kicked myself for a week for missing that call!
Another New Yorker who is in love with a Prince
Oh- Lance...still- I think of you- I miss you as well.
And you too friend- but there is nothing Cruel about you
Sridhar- yeah...I'll name you. I like the way you think :)
A lover of 24 who I am pretty sure I'm related to- distantly :) (I suppose all true Southerners might be distantly related?)
New friends who con the con-artists
Old friends who've shut their blog... I AM NOT (and a few others)
Wild friends who take daring photos and post them (wow!)
A gardener I had the pleasure of meeting once in South Carolina
A pilot who really loves to fly- :)
And a dozen others who've stopped long enough to say hello- I hope I did as well by you.

AND MY BELOVED PIXIE :)

I think I'm past the dark passage which had to be endured. Sunshine awaits me. Words fill every corner of my mind. I am breathing again. There will be other difficult things to face down the road and such is life, but today is a day to rejoice.

I am so happy to just BE; and so happy to know each of you- in whatever ways were deemed right- for however long or short.

Thank you always for the time you've spent with me.

~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~

"Walking"- by Thoreau

2009-01-15T09:39:00.003-05:00

We have been packing and cleaning all week to move my Mother this weekend. In my spare moments I have begun to re-read "Lillith" by George MacDonald
and found the following in the Preface- it is as lovely a thing as I have read in ages...next to your blog posts and comments of course :) Enjoy! (and Phos- this is especially for you- seeing how I put my glass down long enough to grant your request- lol :)

"I took a walk on Spaulding's Farm the other afternoon. I saw the
setting sun lighting up the opposite side of a stately pine wood. Its
golden rays straggled into the aisles of the wood as into some noble
hall. I was impressed as if some ancient and altogether admirable
and shining family had settled there in that part of the land called
Concord, unknown to me -- to whom the sun was servant -- who
had not gone into society in the village -- who had not been called
on. I saw their park, their pleasure-ground, beyond through the
wood, in Spaulding's cranberry-meadow. The pines furnished them
with gables as they grew. Their house was not obvious to vision;
the trees grew through it. I do not know whether I heard the sounds
of a suppressed hilarity or not. They seemed to recline on the
sunbeams. They have sons and daughters. They are quite well. The
farmer's cart-path, which leads directly through their hall, does not
in the least put them out, as the muddy bottom of a pool is
sometimes seen through the reflected skies. They never heard of
Spaulding, and do not know that he is their
neighbor -- notwithstanding I heard him whistle as he drove his
team through the house. Nothing can equal the serenity of their
lives. Their coat-of-arms is simply a lichen. I saw it painted on the
pines and oaks. Their attics were in the tops of the trees. They are
of no politics. There was no noise of labor. I did not perceive that
they were weaving or spinning. Yet I did detect, when the wind
lulled and hearing was done away, the finest imaginable sweet
musical hum -- as of a distant hive in May -- which perchance was
the sound of their thinking. They had no idle thoughts, and no one
without could see their work, for their industry was not as in knots
and excrescences embayed.

But I find it difficult to remember them. They fade irrevocably out
of my mind even now while I speak, and endeavor to recall them
and recollect myself. It is only after a long and serious effort to
recollect my best thoughts that I become again aware of their
cohabitancy. If it were not for such families as this, I think I should
move out of Concord."

Lovely!!!

Cheers!

2009-01-06T12:00:00.005-05:00

I wanted a special glass- something that spoke to me ...

I looked and looked and looked-

---This is what I found---

I could only afford one- (not that it was terribly expensive, but I am on a budget!)---

And of course, I wanted to buy wine too :)

It's colorful and feels wonderful in the hand- and the "blue" in the middle has a special meaning for me.

When I brought it home, everyone said, "It's YOU!"

I thought so too :) (The label said "Cassablanca", which made it all the more perfect :)

I know it's such a fancy glass and should probbaly only be used on special occasions, but I intend to use it every day...even if I'm only drinking water out of it.

What "special" thing do you have stored away for a certain occasion? Is there anything you use on a daily basis to remind you that YOU are special?

I hope so, because you are worth it.

A special toast here to Roxanne, who made me feel treasured this week, and for Cosmo- because I read something at his blog which reminded me of a beautiful moment, and to the Skunk- he knows why :), and to a loved "annon" blogger who I won't name. Also, one day, I do hope Lady Lux, Helene, Foamy and I will all tilt our glasses in a toast together...NYD- you are invited too! Hugs :)

Hope you all have a wonderful week!

Wow MN...

2009-01-05T17:07:00.002-05:00

First Jesse for Gov, and now this?

The country seems to have a strong affinity of the separation of church and state...
How about the separation comedians and state?

Welcome 2009

2008-12-31T15:40:00.002-05:00

A sudden light transfigures a trivial thing, a weather-vane, a wind-mill, a winnowing flail, the dust in the barn door; a moment,—and the thing has vanished, because it was pure effect; but it leaves a relish behind it, a longing that the accident may happen again.
- Walter Pater

Don't look for the "transfiguring light"- it will find you.

Don't pine away for it once it's gone because another one will come soon.

Cherish the moment and keep it in your heart.

I wish each of you a wonderful New Year- full of love, light, and joy :)

Hugs :)

Consumed~

2008-12-19T09:22:00.008-05:00

The other night I dreamt I became a mother again~
Sitting on my bed in a quiet house, I held a tiny little boy in my arms and felt overcome with love and wonder.

In that perfect golden moment I had no worries, no fear, no doubt, not even a stray thought about what to fix for dinner. I was too enthralled, almost hypnotized, consumed by the sight, movement, and scent of the tender and gentle child in my arms.

I existed for him. He existed because of me.

We were encircled, much like a womb, with such love, need, and beauty, there was no room for anything else. No fret, trauma, or even a mild irritation could penetrate the almost tangible flow of warm energy which surrounded us.

There have been very few times in my life when my head and heart have been quiet and focused enough to simply exist for one thing, and one thing only. So few times have I been able to LIVE and breathe- IN and FOR the moment as it arrives. The dream reminded me to be aware of such moments, like now- as I'm writing- and take a deep breath as I let the rest of the world fall away...away...away.

Jumbled disgruntled thoughts push and jockey just outside the frosted glass door of my inner sanctum...much like impatient shoppers on Black Friday ready to rush in and grab, or crush, what little bit of sanity is left, but it occurs to me- I don't need to unlock those doors. Not yet anyway. I can wait.

I can BE~

I can not physically have another child.

I awoke from my beautiful dream with a tinge of sadness as I realized the baby in my thoughts was one I would never hold in my arms.

Yet, the purpose of the dream was not meant to fill me with a longing for something I can not have, it was to show me what was possible.

The dream was about making a space within the confines of my heart and mind to shelter me. To re-create a womb, if you will, where trouble, fear, anxiety, and rejection have no way in to harm me...at least not within the bounds of that sphere.

A mental form of insulation.

A place to find a breath-taking moment of joy.

A willingness to surrender my fears and pain and to be consumed by beauty, love, creativity, and goodness.

A longing to LIVE and BREATHE in more moments as they unfold.

To simply BE~

Much like Bob must feel when he's flying, or K9 when she's painting, Prisim when she's cooking or writing, Foamy when she's sketching, /t when he's creating another masterpiece, X when he's researching...each of you have given me a glimpse inside the sphere where you find peace. Thank you.

I'm thankful also for the dream I had of the new baby, and that he exists only in my heart and mind, and I won't have to change any diapers! :)

It's getting closer!

2008-12-18T18:12:00.006-05:00

MERRY MERRY MERRY Merry

CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS Christmas :)

*
♥♥
~♥~♥~
♥~♥~♥
~♥~♥♥~♥~
♥~♥~♥♥~♥~♥

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

[]

Run, Run Rudolph!

2008-12-07T12:38:00.005-05:00

What do you hope to find under your Christmas tree?

(Thank you K9 :)

I have Billy's Christmas CD and listen to it every year-this is one of his best songs : )
_______________

______

As much as I love Billy Idol I'm not sure I'd want to find him under my tree :) Daniel Craig is another matter entirely! lol-

Actually, the things I want this year are things no one else can give me.

I want to feel grounded again,
But not lose the ability to soar.
To sleep at night with a clear mind,
But find it a jumble of creative ideas in the morning-
and with no regrets.

To love fully, without having to apologize.
To quit pretending to love, without having to apologize.

To inhale the world,
and exhale Me...
and not who everyone wants me to be.

To be aware of the past,
but not let it dictate my future.
To create a way for tomorrow-
Which will carry me with gratitude, joy, and love in this life, and in the next.

To remember the best way to "say" I love you is to SHOW it.
To show my children no one in the world is more important to me than they are.
To exercise with all my heart, for my heart...because no one else is going to take
care of me if I don't take care of me first.

I want to listen twice as long as I speak.
I want to write 3 times longer than I speak and listen.

To find a quiet corner I can call my own. MY OWN- where no one else can invade my space without being invited.

To enjoy me being me, and enjoy you being you.

Merry Christmas, and Happy Hanukkah friends~

Just one of the things I'm thankful for this year~

2008-11-21T17:38:00.005-05:00

Thank you for all the b-day wishes for Juli...

Enjoy this little one- it only takes a minute- and you won't be sorry you listened- He is adorable!

My Asher...(well, he's my nephew!)

13th B-day~

2008-11-21T17:37:00.004-05:00

Precious, Darlin', Baby-girl...
I love you more than all the world...

The little child who taught me about love-

She's still my "baby"- but So grown up!

Happy Birthday Sweetheart- I love you more than mere words can express :) What a gift you are to me- and you always will be~

2008-11-16T18:42:00.006-05:00

For years I rushed around being busy and I missed me.

~Friar Leo

"No matter what has just happened, you are free in this moment to act with positive purpose. Whether the past has worked in your favor or not, the future is yours to create as you wish.

Life is too important to waste it feeling sorry for yourself or beating yourself up. Get up and get on with life, and make it match your highest expectations. "

~Ralph Marston (motivational speaker)

"You are talented at many things"

-my fortune cookie after dinner tonight

It's been a tough day for me. One of those days when you can't put your finger on exactly what's wrong but your heart and mind are out of sorts. The truth is there are MANY things in my life which are good, and MANY things I wish were better. Things I CAN control, and things I CAN NOT control.

I very clearly remember the first time I ever read the Serenity Prayer~

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

It was on a book-mark, or a coffee mug at a truck stop/gas station we pulled into on our way to Indiana. I was probably 12 years old. My dad was taking us to visit our Grandmother and I was so excited about the quote (I've always loved good quotes) I rushed over to share it with him. His reply was, "That is stupid. I can't stand that prayer, it's so depressing."

So much for the father-daughter Hallmark moment, huh?

Anyway, his reaction confused me. I couldn't fathom how he found the quote depressing and not profound. At the time I wasn't aware of the drinking problems which plagued his family, nor was I aware this prayer is one often used by alcoholics...I just thought it was a great "life statement". It wouldn't be the first or the last time my father and I failed to see eye to eye on something.

To this day, as much as I love the quote, I never read it without recalling dad's reaction to it. His disapproval lingers over the memory like a faint shadow, and truth be told, his disapproval about some things in my life lingers over me in more ways than I'd like to admit. It is time to let this stuff go. It is time for me to look at me with my own 2 eyes, and not through the eyes of my parents, or family members, or people in the church...or anyone.

I need and want to be me, and further more, I want to LIKE that person.

The sad truth of today is I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror this morning. I can change that. The mistakes of my past, bad choices, desperate responses, ugly words, judgements, and assaults against me- those are things I can not change. Knowing the difference between the two IS wisdom. Acceptance of BOTH things is divine.

The sun has now set in my part of the world. The day is closing as I sit in my office upstairs with mug of Jasmine tea and my thoughts. Despite the poor reflection I saw this morning when I awoke, the world went out of it's way to speak life to me today, via a preacher, a speaker, and a cookie.

I didn't wake up with Serenity this morning...but she found me before the sun set, and I am grateful.

Peace to all of you~

I Thank you...

2008-11-11T14:37:00.003-05:00

For Soldiers past, present, living, and those resting in peace...

Thank you for the way you have touched my life- in ways seen, and those unseen.

The Army Hymn

Oh, Lord of Hosts! Almighty King!
Behold the sacrifice we bring!
To every arm Thy strength impart,
Thy spirit shed through every heart.

Wake in our breasts the living fires,
The holy faith that warmed our sires;
Thy hand hath made our nation free!
To die for her is serving Thee.

Be Thou a pillar for to show
The midnight snare, the silent foe;
And when the battle thunders loud,
Still guide us in its moving cloud.

God of all Nations! Sovereign Lord!
In Thy dread Name we draw the sword,
We lift the starry flag on high,
That fills with light our stormy sky.

From treason's rent, from murder's stain,
Guard Thou its folds till peace shall reign,
Till fort and field, till shore and sea
Join our loud anthem: praise to Thee!

Election? What election? (kidding)

2008-11-04T18:11:00.003-05:00

We each voted early. It would have been nice to have voted "often" but we resisted the temptation, unlike some we've read about...but I digress.

However, the Sun, Earth, and water could not be resisted.

It was as if the land said..."Don't despair- Look UP!"

So we did.

The stream said- "Be still- listen. Life is good"-

And it is.

I should think about moving to the mountains : )

"Day of the Dead"- PARTY TIME!!! :)

2008-11-02T13:37:00.014-05:00

The Altar~

Frida was definitely honored here- K9 did a beautiful job putting this together.

Is there anything K9 can't do? :)

A miniture cemetery where one could remember ones we've lost... people really enjoyed participating in this project.

Ferocious kitty Beautiful art

Christmas preview! (everyone needs one of these on their tree!)

Good friends in great costumes!

I like the effect of these faces- seeming to float above our head in the room :)

I know- you've already seen this one- but she's so cute!

Art by Diane- (the painting in the back ground is a piece K9 is working on- it will be fabulous and BIG)

Arty/pottery by Betty ( http://www.fishbonestudio.net/)

Art by Elyse

The Band! (They were SOOOOO good!!!)

Guess who? :D

Love you Dawg! :)

IF ONLY YOU WERE HERE!!!

2008-11-01T21:31:00.005-05:00

The party in progress- at least what I can show you!!!

lol!

You have no idea how much I wissh you were here!!!!

ALL OF YOU!!!

A "break"- exactly when I needed it : )

2008-10-28T20:45:00.008-05:00

I went to see the ortho MD again...

The Dr fussed at me and said, "You are doing too much! You have a micro tear in your tendon. Put your arm in a sling for 30 days."

I laughed at him. This is my RIGHT arm we are talking about! And I am a MOM!

He seemed to think my being a "Mom" was irrelevant.

I went home- pondering how in the world I was going to manage things with my RIGHT arm in a sling- and basically decided I needed to go away for a little while. When I suggested this to my family...they all laughed at me!

About 2 hours after my Dr. appt- I got a phone call from someone near and dear to all of us...

K9 was on the phone!

I was planning a trip to see her on Nov 1st for her art show- and it turned into a week-long invitation to go to the cabin!

Gawd- I love that dog!

So- wish granted! Christmas came early :) I don't promise to wear the stupid sling the whole time I'm with her, but I do promise not to do the "Mom" thing for at least a week!

There will be updates and photos...and most of you should expect your ears to be burning at some point next week :) We will be talking and thinking about you :)

*Prisim- you will most definitely be missed on this trip- I'd give almost anything for you to be with us.

More soon~

Lilies and TMI

2008-10-16T08:41:00.004-05:00

I love, love, love this image. I took this shot 2 summers ago and I need to have it blown up and hang it in my house somewhere.
I love the color, and the curls, and water...and it's untouched. I might love it even more if I edited the background color a little. I'll play with it and see what happens.

This is the actual crop of lilies in my front yard- and in 4 weeks I MUST dig up the bulbs and re-plant them. I will have plenty to give away. Would you like a handful of Easter lily bulbs?

Email me at cora.blue@hotmail.com or maydensvoyage@hotmail.com and tell me where to send them- and I will : )

I wanted to do this last year but a good hard freeze didn't come until late in the season and by then I was up to my ears with Christmas and such. These flowers are hardy and I think they will grow just about anywhere- and they don't need to be fussed over. I've planted them in the shade and they grew, and in full sun.

I was given some bulbs about 14 years ago from a plant given to a great-grandmother back in the 70's- and have dug them up (when we moved) and re-planted them...they are gorgeous and I love them.

So...if you want a bit of Mayden's favorite flower in your yard- or in a pot on your deck- just send me a note and I will mail them in a few weeks.

Personal note: (the TMI part :)

I'm having a fit with my right elbow (not the one I fell on). I've got tendonitus, had the cortisone shot, and I'm still having a lot of trouble with it. T's been gone for most of the month (work and play) and I am heading out for some girl time this weekend when he returns (beach trip!).

I'm inside out over the election stuff and the bail-out and if I start writing about it I don't know if I could stop. I was glad to hear the banks who are getting part of the 700 BILLION have to pay a 5% return...but of course one has to show a profit in order to actually pay a return...and who can be sure that will actually happen? Sigh...blah...not good.

I've been up to my ears with "Mom, sister, and caregiver stuff" and writing has taken a back seat...I'm sorry. I'm actually more sorry for me- because it's a waste and I know it. I miss you all.

I'll go back to the ortho Dr. again and see what he says. Surgery might be in order- but with this involving my RIGHT hand I am hesitant. On the other hand (no pun inteneded) I am so limited in what I can do with my right arm I might as well do whatever it takes to correct this and get back into the swing of things as soon as possible.

Here's a revelation about me...(I just realized it!)

I loathe being limited in any way!!!

How about you?

Getting old is going to be (IS???) quite a learning (and humbling) experience, isn't it? :)

Oh...lol! "Proud to be an American! " :) (just laugh!)

2008-10-05T22:54:00.003-05:00

A little prevention/treatment humor for those who find little to smile about with their investments these days . . .

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink on average 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that on average Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American!

Thanks to my friend Paige for this one...it was too good not to post! :)